Crisis Averted: Arnold Palmer's Daughter is 'Not Really Upset' at Trump for Praising the Size of Her Late Father's Dick

Shahar Azran. Getty Images.

To my father-in-law's generation, Arnold Palmer was the American icon they all aspired to be. Hitching his pants over his gut. Ripping lung darts between holes. Harvesting souls with his accuracy off the tee and the mechanical precision of his short game. Affable. Blue collar. A favorite son of his sport. 

To my generation, he was the the Peyton Manning of our time. By that I mean he was a retired elder statesman type who never saw a product he would not endorse. Luxury cars. Airlines. Designer watches. Rental cars, along with that other beloved pitchman OJ Simpson. Hell, my trivia brain that should've forgotten this long ago has held onto the knowledge he was from Latrobe, PA, just because he mentioned it in a motor oil ad that ran all the time. 

What few people from either generation ever realized was that underneath that telegenic smile and hidden behind those plaid sansabelt slacks beat the throbbing member of a true champion of life. He was long off the tee, so to speak. That he'd won the Grand Slam of male anatomy. That he was swinging a big driver.  The best club in his bag was his putz. Long before he mixed lemonade and iced tea, life handed him a sack with two huge lemons. He was holding up the Claret Junk. He won both the Wanamaker Trophy and the Ladies WannaMakeHim Trophy.

As you're no doubt aware by now, this isn't coming from me, but with Election Day now two weeks away, it's coming from the campaign trail:

“Arnold Palmer was all man. And I say that with all due respect to women, because I LOVE women. But this guy. This guy. This was a guy who was ALL MAN. This man was strong and tough. And I refuse to say it, but. When he took the showers with other pros, they came out of there. They said, ‘Oh my God. That’s unbelievable.' I had to say. We have women that are highly sophisticated here, but they used to look at Arnold as a man.” - 45th President of the United States Donald J. Trump, October 20th, 2024

I'm no historian, so I can't speak intelligently on the issue of whether this is a first or not. For all I know, it's a tradition. Maybe Calvin Coolidge used to give speeches off the back of the train at whistle stops about how Bobby Jones' dong was two niblicks long. But I'm assuming this is a new wrinkle in American politics since the people in the right-leaning media space seem to be howling over it. (We see you back there, blonde in the flag hat and blouse.) While the people who hate Trump most are freaking the absolute fuck out:

That was the fourth time in this interview with the Speaker of the United States House of Representative - so third in line to the presidency - that CNN's lead anchor used the phrase "Arnold Palmer's Penis." Unfortunately too late to name your Fantasy football team, but just in time to inspire your Halloween costume. 

But there's one opinion that should rate above everyone else's on this critically important issue of our day. And that would be the heir to Palmer's dominion. And it would appear that his daughter, while a little uncomfortable that the subject is being discussed, is more or less OK with it:

AP - One of the late golf legend Arnold Palmer’s daughters calls Donald Trump’s references to her father’s genitalia “a poor choice of approaches” to honoring his memory, adding that she wasn’t upset by the remarks.

“There’s nothing much to say. I’m not really upset,” Peg Palmer Wears, 68, told The Associated Press in an interview on Sunday. “I think it was a poor choice of approaches to remembering my father, but what are you going to do?”

So there you go. On this issue, Trump wins the only Electoral College that gets a vote, Peg Palmer Wears. If she's not upset about her dad's dick being a subject of national discourse, who is anyone to be upset? 

And let me just state here for the record, if any former President or party nominee wants to make wild, exaggerated claims about the length and girth of my manhood, you have my permission. In perpetuity. If Obama wants to come to my ancestral homeland of Weymouth, MA and put the "stump" in stump speech, be my guest. If he wants to say, "Let me tell you, Jerry Thornton is ALL MAN. Those Relaxed Fit jeans are hiding a baby's arm holding an apple!", he'll get no argument from me. If JD Vance or Tim Walz want to tell a crowd, "Those might be Old Balls, but man-o-man alive, are they ever the talk of the Planet Fitness locker room! Boy howdy!" in some folksy, they have my approval.

So this is how we elect our nation's Chief Executive in 2024. This is how the Founding Fathers wanted all this to work. And big fan of democracy that I am, I'm here for all of it. My name is Jerry Thornton, and I approve this message.