Of Course Feitelberg Supports The Tyrannical New York Government Murdering Peanut The Squirrel #JusticeForPeanut
So unless you live under a rock, you undoubtedly heard the news that an innocent squirrel and raccoon were both murdered, execution style, this past weekend in upstate New York by agents from FOUR different governmental agencies.
Of course, Feitelberg, the self-appointed devil’s advocate here, has somehow managed to defend New York State in its latest act of governmental overreach.
John Henry, our resident contrarian, who usually argues for the sanctity of freedom, has decided to flip the script and throw his lot in with the bureaucrats. He’s actually defending the government’s call to take out this innocent, furry member of the sciuridae genus, because of course he is.
This shouldn't come as a surprise to anybody around here, because we all know him. He's the guy who loves to champion hot takes by disagreeing with literally everyone for sport. And then call everyone else crazy. But today, he’s really gone off the rails.
Peanut wasn’t just a squirrel. Peanut was a symbol of resilience and scrappy defiance in the face of adversity. He was like a little, bushy-tailed Rocky Balboa, As an infant squirrel he watched in horror as his mother was ran over by a car right in front of his beady little eyes. Essentially, a real life Bambi story. His life immediately shifted to one where he would have to fend for himself, and, which would probably have ended with him being snatched up by a hawk's razor sharp talons as it plunged from the sky like a Japanese kamikaze. If not for the selflessness and giant heart of Mark Longo, who found Peanut, abandoned, and took him into his home. For the next seven years Peanut (and Fred, a domesticated racoon Longo also saved the life of after he was hit by a car) became members of the family.
They also became social media stars that people loved to follow because they brought smiles to thousands of people's faces and warmed their hearts with their antics.
And for them to be taken out in cold blood by a bunch of clipboard-wielding city officials? It’s a crime.
This wasn't some rabid beast terrorizing the neighborhood. It was a damn squirrel that kept to itself, whose owner made the mistake of thinking he could post videos of on the internet without some utterly miserable person seeing it, become engulfed with jealousy, and hounding authorities to put an end to it.
That lousy piece of shit is the person everybody should be mad at the most here.
But leave it to Feitelberg to stand in the corner of tyranny, talking about “public safety” like he’s suddenly on the state payroll. Who is this guy? Waving the flag for Big Government, defending the rights of “the people” to eradicate a squirrel who, by all accounts, was just living his best life.
Makes me sick.
This is what happens when contrarianism becomes a personality trait. He’s gotten so twisted up in his own shtick that he can’t even tell when he’s standing shoulder-to-shoulder with the very people who want to crush the free spirit out of the world. You know it's fucking bad when Kevin Clancy is rolling his eyes, standing as the voice-of-reason.
And let's not forget the whole serial killer connection. Studies show those psychos often start out by hurting, and killing animals, and see nothing wrong with it. In fact they derive enjoyment from it. I'm not saying Feitelberg is gonna go on a killing spree, but defending this kind of senseless violence? Let's just say I won't be surprised if he does.
To my NYC Office coworkers, the next time you see Feitelberg in the office, remember this- you’re looking at the guy who supports a government so petty it’s willing to take down a squirrel just for existing. Feits, buddy, you might want to look in the mirror and ask yourself whose side you’re really on, because you’re sounding like you belong at a council meeting.
Peanut didn’t deserve this, but maybe Feitelberg does?
#JusticeForPeanut