The Battle Of The (Washed) College Athletes: Breaking Down Who Would Win A 1 Mile Race Between WSD and Captain Cons

What a clip, fighting over hair, to looks, then finishing up with two competitors going back and forth to put the SPORTS back in Barstool Sports by talking about a real sport - long distance running. We're going back to the school yard and challenging people to good ol' fashion foot race. Kenny Powers can go right to hell with his quote about running not being a real sport and chalking it up as exercise. Basketball, football, soccer, or any sport with a ball / puck is a fun way to pass time with your friends. There is no enjoyment in running, it's a true sport because it's only for the real sickos, and I believe these two are the definition of true sickos. 

I couldn't stop laughing when Chief mentions White Sox Dave ran a marathon (7 years ago), and Cons immediately comes back with "I'VE RUN 5 MARATHONS!" (10 years ago) Touché.

NOW, quick side note - I'm a marathon hater. I get it's a bucket list accomplishment for some people, and runners raising money for a good cause is nice, but there are a billion better ways to spend time during your weekend - cleaning out the gutters would be on that list. You get the same sense of accomplishment, and you cross something off your to do list. I guess I dislike how people act like they should be applauded for simply finishing a marathon. Wearing their finisher medals around their neck days after the race like they served a tour overseas and took a bullet while in the shit. Weirdo behavior. Finishing a marathon isn't hard. Boring? Yes. But, if you are a moderately healthy human being with two working legs, you should be able to run / walk a marathon to the finish line without training. Trying to actually run fast for a marathon, THAT is incredibly difficult. The world record for the men's marathon is around 2 hours, which means you are running a 4:30 mile pace for 26.2 miles, that doesn't sound humanly possible. Running that fast, for that long is a legit super power. So the argument of simply finishing a marathon ( almost a decade ago for both challengers ) doesn't mean anything unless you're comparing times which still wouldn't mean much BECAUSE IT WAS ALMOST A DECADE AGO. Plus, this challenge is a one mile race which is a completely different beast. 

Who would win in a one mile race, White Sox Dave or Captain Cons? 

The favorite going into this race would have to be Captain Cons - veteran, quarterback at army, accepting of his baldness. The only knock against him is he is now a dad. It's called Dad bod because they have zero time to commit to working out, and they let themselves go. I'm sure cons as a military man still keeps a tight schedule, but when was the last time Cons went for a run? 

White Sox Dave seems to have more cons than ... Cons. But he can't be counted out. Some of his downfalls somehow become positives. Having the diet of a raccoon eating out of a dumpster seems like it would hurt him, but being in a constant state of dietary misery somehow helps him. Your body can't feel any worse, so when you hit a wall during the race, you're already comfortable with feeling like shit. 

Confidence is a huge factor in any competition. Half the battle is believing you can. Both of these adversaries are oozing with confidence. Unfortunately for White Sox Dave his confidence has caused him to bite off more than he can chew in the past. Over the summer WSD had a very similar clip, less getting called short, bald and ugly, but WSD said he could lockdown anyone 1v1 in basketball. Aaaand the result was he got bodied. He was so confident in the clip that he had me believing he could do it. 

Now, if you watched Rat Race: Chicago, White Sox Dave popped his air pods in and sprinted his way to a gritty victory. If Dave didn't have to stop every 8 seconds to scream at Mintzy to hurry up! WSD might have set a Rat Race Record for quickest finish, so there is definitely something left in the tank. Enough to win the race? No. I have to bet the smart money and go with Captain Cons. The military ingrains a type of can't quit crazy inside of you that you don't lose. Are both these competitors past their athletic prime? Who at Barstool isn't? Myself included. But I do know these two going head to head in a one mile race on the track is going to be a great watch. But first, go watch this week's Dog Walk