My Plan to End Mintzy's Legendary Heater

As he tells this office five thousand times a day, “When you’re hot, you’re hot.” And right now, there’s no one hotter than Mintzy. It seems like every few seconds, he’s jumping up and down like a schoolgirl because he’s hit yet another huge parlay. Everywhere you look, all you see is Mintzy talking about his 20-1, 80-1, or 100-1 parlays, followed by a rundown of his infamous boost strategy—which, at this point, we’ve all heard a million times. But this isn’t a jealous rant; I’m genuinely happy for Mintzy and this legendary streak he’s on. From one gambler to another, you’ve got to respect the clinic he’s putting on.

Mintzy may only be in Chicago 22 out of 52 weeks in a year, but that doesn’t stop him from working his phone to get people to sign up for DraftKings so he can rack up unlimited profit boosts. As someone who used to work in health insurance sales, making over 500 cold calls a day, I respect Mintzy’s grind. He even told me he got three people to sign up at a wedding. Do you know how invested you have to be to convince three people at a WEDDING to sign up for DraftKings, just to get three 100% profit boosts? Say what you want about his work ethic, but when Mintzy believes in something, there’s no stopping him. So while his unlimited boost strategy might irritate some people, I, for one, respect it.

However, my issue with Mintzy is the lack of sharing with his fellow co-workers. I’m not saying he needs to hand out his winnings in the office; it’s his money, and he earned it. My problem is that when we ask him for one of his “Mintzy bombs,” he gives us an eggshell. He’ll throw out some limp dick 20-1 parlay with no chance of cashing, only for us to later find out that when Josh Allen scored a touchdown, he celebrated like a high school cheerleader because he had Allen in ANOTHER parlay—an 80-1 that he kept to himself. Of course, the 80-1 parlay hit, extending his legendary streak, while the rest of us were left sulking with losses.

If there are two things Mintzy cares about most in this world, it’s profit boosts and the Ole Miss Rebels. Now, while I can’t control his gambling hot streak, I do have some influence over the Ole Miss Rebels. You see, Ole Miss is coming to The Swamp this Saturday. And in case you live under a rock, the Florida Gators are the best worst team in college football. They haven’t lost a game in which DJ Lagway has played the entire time. 

If Ole Miss loses to Florida on Saturday, their season is over, meaning the only other thing Mintzy cares about—besides profit boosts—is dead. And I firmly believe that if you chop off one head of a two-headed dragon, the other won’t survive on its own. That’s why the Florida Gators must, and will, win on Saturday to finally put this beast to rest.

All jokes aside, Mintzy, keep firing away, brother. You’re as hot as they come.