Matthew McConaughey Is Full Of Shit

First off, I have no problems with Matthew McConaughey.

Sure, his last name is difficult to spell, but he's been in a handful of shit that I have enjoyed immensely… 

Alongside a bigger handful of shit that I haven't…

But last week, he went on a podcast and told Bert Kreischer all about how he makes the best tuna sandwich and how his recipe is "life-changing."

I saw the clip and said to myself, "I like tuna, and I like Matthew McConaughey. And my life could use a change. So let's give this recipe a try."

So I did.

And it sucked.

I wasn't being judgemental before I tried it. The recipe called for a few things you don't typically find in tuna salad, but there wasn't an ingredient listed that made me clutch my pearls.

I'll give you the ingredients right here:

• "High-quality" tuna
• Red onion
• Dill pickle
• Celery
• Lemon juice
• Vinegar
• Mayo
• Green apple
• Wasabi
• Corn
• Peas
• Crushed jalapeno-flavored potato chips

There are a couple of nontraditional suspects on that list (particularly those last five ingredients), but again, nothing too 'over the top' for my tastes. In fact, I already had every one of those items in my pantry and/or fridge except the chips, which I conveniently picked up at a bodega near my office.

I painstakingly made the dish following his instructions like they were handed down to me from Colonel Jessup, and the final product was utter dogshit.

It got me thinking- In the same way I don't take political advice from millionaires, why the fuck was I surprised when a recipe from a guy who has never been fat turns out to be inedible?

For the past year and a half, I have been at a calorie deficit thanks to a steady diet of cocaine and laxatives, but outside of this current dip, I've spent the majority of the last 2 decades hovering around 300 pounds… I'm the fucking guy who should be going viral for his tuna sandwich recipe because I'm the fucking guy who actually eats tuna salad.

Ten years ago, Matthew McConaughey looked like this while filming a movie I will probably never see called Dallas Buyers Club…

Moviestore. Shutterstock Images.

Meanwhile, ten years ago, I looked like this…

I've never seen 'The Machinist' either, but I now know that I shouldn't trust Christian Bale's recipe for his favorite omelet.

But instead of being reactive to this whole sandwich abomination, I've decided to take the high road and be proactive. 

So instead of taking cooking tips from a guy who looks like he hasn't had a carb since '85, why not just listen to me as I guide you through sandwich-after-delicious-sandwich on social media, including this month's Sandwich of the Month?

By coincidence, it also contains wasabi AND jalapenos, both being used in non-traditional ways, but in ways that won't make you want to burn your laserdisc copy of Reign of Fire (which stars both McConaughey and Christin Bale).

Jonathan Hession. Shutterstock Images.

So give my sandwich a chance…

I GUARANTEE it's better than anything that narrow-assed pretty boy can crank out.

Take a report.

-Large