The Key To Giving Out A Key To The City

Erik Pendzich. Shutterstock Images.

I had no intention of writing a Diddy blog because I felt it would be prudent to wait for all the shoes to drop before commenting on this monster.

But since there still seems to be an unlimited amount of shoes waiting to drop on this perverted prick's greasy head, I might as well finally dip my toe into his pool of debauchery, and I'll start with something silly that most people already know (and I assume Dante blogged about in real time)… 

Diddy was awarded the key to New York City by Mayor Eric Adams in Sept of 2023 for being a ‘role model’ to all New Yorkers.

Michael Brochstein. Shutterstock Images.

("Thanks, Mayor… And now I can't wait to anally violate someone with this key… Peace out.")

The "Honorable" Mayor went as far as declaring the date on which the honor was bestowed as Diddy Day… And if you're not sure what to give your significant other as a Diddy Day gift, a bottle of baby oil seems like a reasonable option.

Even though one of the most popular and visible cities in the history of the world giving its key to such a scumbag is fun to think about, what's even more amusing is that less than a year after the honor was bestowed, both Diddy and the Mayor have come under investigation.

Diddy was asked to return the key just 9 months later, in June of this year. That was BEFORE all the baby oil stuff surfaced, but right AFTER he was caught on tape beating the shit out of someone named Cassie. 

Julian Mackler. Shutterstock Images.

Adding insult to injury, the man who gave it to him AND then asked for it back, Mayor Eric Adams, is being charged for allegedly soliciting bribes from foreign nationals to support his political campaigns and his personal travel. Much like Diddy's case, Adams' troubles are also wrapped up in an ongoing investigation, but Adams has said he is not guilty to any of the charges thrown at him… If convicted, this sonofabitch faces a prison sentence of up to 45 years.

That story got me thinking two things…

1. Is this the worst key to the city ever given out?
2. What does a key to any city even do?

I'll answer the second one first because I don't play by the rules and tell you that a key to the city means absolutely nothing. 

It used to mean something… In medieval times, major cities would have walls and gates around them for protection. So a visiting hero or king would get a key as a sign of respect. Also, important merchants could use their keys to get in without having to pay a toll. 

Today, it’s just an ornament, or maybe a paperweight, but it’s still an honor to receive, I assume. 

ROBYN BECK. Getty Images.

Now for that first question: Is the key to New York City given to a disgraced Diddy by a disgraceful mayor the worst key ever given out?

And the answer to that is NO.

The city of Adelaide in Australia probably wishes they could "turn back time" after they gave their key to Cher and she turned around and sold it on eBay for $90,000. 

Michael Jackson was awarded keys to both Chicago and Las Vegas…

And Michael Vick was awarded the keys to Dallas in 2011 and then Atlantic City in 2013… Both AFTER all the dog fighting stuff and his debt to society was repaid. 

(Whoops!)

But I think the city with the most regret has to be Detroit… 

In 1979, Detroit gave the key to its city to Saddam Hussein. 

Quick refresher: Saddam Hussein was an Iraqi politician and revolutionary who served as the fifth president of Iraq from 1979 to 2003. He has been accused of genocide multiple times, and the group Human Rights Watch estimates that Saddam's regime was responsible for the murder or disappearance of 250,000 to 290,000 Iraqis.

And, as I said above, in 1979, Saddam Hussein, was given the key to Detroit after this genocidal scumbag donated a total of $450,000 to the Sacred Heart Chaldean Church in Detroit. This church served the largest population of Catholic Iraqis outside the Middle East, and ironically, many of its members were only in the US after fleeing Saddam’s rule. 

C. Uncle. Getty Images.

(I know this picture is sideways for some reason, but notice that this lady has wax-Saddam's gun pointed at his wax-penis.)

When asked for a comment about his ties to Detroit, Saddam could not be reached because he was convicted by the Iraqi High Tribunal of crimes against humanity and sentenced to death by hanging on December 30th, 2006. 

I'd like to think I'm well-hung, but I also like to think about the day Saddam was well-hanged.

So next time someone says they are awarded the key to a city… Any city… You can congratulate them on joining a select group of individuals including P Diddy, soon-to-be-former Mayor Adams, Michael Jackosn, Cher, Michael Vick, Stormy Daniels, and Saddam Hussein.

Then, run and inform that city that they should probably change their locks.

Take a report.

-Large

You can hear all about Keys the City and beyond in the latest edition of Twisted History…

TAR

-L