Joe Burrow Buying The Batmobile Is The Epitome Of Everything That's Wrong With The 2024 Cincinnati Bengals

So my partner in nerd Robbie Fox blogged this earlier today after getting some shine on Hard Knocks.

Look, I'm happy Robbie got screentime on multiple reality shows on Tuesday night (watch Episode 1 of Surviving Barstool Season 4 now!) and I'm happy that Joe Burrow is living a life where he has enough disposable income to buy a fucking BATMOBILE. But Burrow buying The Batmobile is everything that's wrong with this year's Bengals. I know it, you know it, and Joe Burrow knows it. Hell, Robbie himself knows it, but is too blinded by his love of Batman to see it.

There are a few indisputable facts about Batman: He is tough. He is smart. He always makes due with whatever challenge he is given. But there is one other indisputable fact: He doesn't kill people. It's literally Batman's only rule. Burrow identifying as Batman by purchasing his signature vehicle tells you all you need to know about his mindset. 

You can be a bad mamma jamma that loves kicking ass. But not having the killer instinct to put people away is how you turn this type of season:

Into this type of season:

You can blame the defense, the coaching, or a million different things other than Joe Burrow for why the Bengals are the most disappointing team of the season. But Burrow not being able to overcome all of those challenges and putting teams away is exactly like Batman allowing villains like The Joker, The Riddler, and The Penguin to continue to haunt the people of Gotham's lives because he won't murder their asses. It's harsh but it's true.

I guarantee you wouldn't see Patrick Mahomes buying The Batmobile. Part of that is because his wife would absolutely forbid it. But part of it is because Batman doesn't finish the job. Instead, I bet Mahomes would buy Wolverine's motorcycle from X-Men because not only does he kill and he also can't be killed.

If Burrow truly had a killer instinct, he would have purchased the vehicle of someone that actually showed it in the movie, namely The Joker's Slaughter truck:

Instead he settled for the Batmobile that infamously lost its wheel as Joker got away, which is why the Bengals season was doomed to be over by Christmastime once that purchase went through.

Also for people saying this is an angry old man take, you are wrong. This is the take of someone using his nerdy knowledge to come up with a ridiculous ragebait take about a well-liked athlete before those dopes at ESPN do it. Because as a wise killer once said "No one cared who I was until I put on the mask".

Click Burglar Clem…OUT!!!

P.S. I'm sorry for offending any Batfans or Bengals fans that took this blog seriously. To make up for it, here is a masterpiece.