The Saddest Stats Of NFL Week 14

I do need to thank the Chicago Bears for one thing. Had I not grown up rooting for them as a small child in the Jim Harbaugh quarterback era (well past any sniff of any Super Bowl Shuffle leftovers), I don't think my sad trampled psyche would have ever built up the psychological defense mechanism required to alchemize my tears of sadness into those of laughter. 

Sunday was supposed to be the "look what we could have been without the joke of a coach and joke of an offensive coordinator we started the season with" game. Not saying this team was better off with either, but you'd have liked to see a little more than four first half yards, I guess. Everything sucks. There is only sadness. Maybe you feel the same about your team. So let's lean into it. 

Here are your sad stats for Week 14.

Sad Stat #1 - The stat provided by Fox Sports above is actually wrong: the Bears had -1 vs the Vikings in 1998

CRAIG LASSIG. Getty Images.

Let this be a little reminder that getting stats 100% correct all the time is hard to do. Even for a major network. Please remember that next time I don't catch something or screw up entirely even after spot checking like a mad man behind the scenes over and over again. These things happen even if you have an entire production team there to fact check, let alone the statistical fact checking trio I have at my disposal consisting of Nate Dawg, Clem, and Hubbs. 

Here are the Bears drives on that game. Say what you will. No turnovers. In fact, neither did the Bears on Sunday. 

As a matter of fact - these drive result sequences look awfully similar to the eye at first blush. Let's take a look at the Bears drives on Sunday in Santa Clara to compare. 

Yeah Pam - I know. That's the same picture. Both games started with five first-half punts followed by a first drive of third quarter touchdown, turnover, touchdown, punt. The same exact story just told by two different NFL script writers. Every Bears fan felt Deja Vu watching yesterday's catastrophe. We've lived it before. We remember this exact type of pain. Like it was… yesterday.

Sad Stat #2 - Interim head coaches are now just 34-62 in their first game after a coach was fired/resigned

Don't have the Bears added to this list yet - but here's everyone else. 

I hated seeing this stat. I wanted to believe the interim coach bump theory had something to it, but it turns out that teams who fire their head coach mid-season aren't very good teams. Who'd have thought?

Poor Thomas Brown - the now interim Head Coach who just a few weeks ago was a quarterbacks coach that evidently wasn't allowed to speak much to the team's quarterback, was been promoted to help save the offense and then promoted again to take the helm as head coach. 

Even considering Brown's tough task at hand, I will say I'm a little disappointed that this was a play we tried on offense. The "let's try putting all four receiving options together, that way there's a better chance at least one of them will catch the ball" play. 

Not a great look Thomas Brown. I haven't seen someone fail upward like this in Silicon Valley in years. 

Sad Stat #3 - Drew Lock went 0-8 passing in the first quarter

Don't laugh too hard Saints fans. I was frothing at the idea of pegging this stat on you when Lock led them down on a ten-play game-tying 35-yard field goal that got blocked. That's how close this was. Saints were toast if that chip shot went in. You think Haener was doing anything in overtime? 

For the Giants, this tops Kerry Collins going 1-9 in Week 12, 1999 in terms of completion percentage in a first quarter (11.1%). And only two quarterbacks in the play-by-play era have done worse than 0-8 for zero yards. You have Todd Collins for the Redskins (Week 15, 2007) also going 0-8 but for -8 yards, and …

Donovan McNabb???

Yep - and not the Washington.0 version of Donovan McNabb or his even worse Minnesota.Vista final year. Week 8, 2005 he went 0-10 in the opening quarter vs the Jake Plummer eventual 13-3 Broncos. 

Sad Stat #4 - The Browns haven't swept the Steelers since 1988

You probably heard this one so let's play off it. Obviously the snow game turned their first matchup into a chaos fest, but Week 14 left no doubt which team was the real mean big brother. Remember when George Pickens said the only reason the Browns beat them was because of the snow? Yeah - sounds about right. 

Let's look at a couple division rivalries that have happened since the last time the Browns swept the Steelers. You'll quickly pick up the punch line before I get to it - but let me indulge myself and work my way to it. I'm a dad these days, so that's my given right.

- The Cardinals swept the Dallas Cowboys in 1989

- The Buccaneers swept the Vikings in 1990

There you go Browns fans. I guess it's not that unprecedented, right? (stop rolling your eyes, I'm almost there). But wait! Here's the catch!

…pauses for effect…

Neither of these division matchups have been division matchups since the 2002 realignment!!!

everyone waiting for this joke to be over

Real talk now - for active division rivalries, the next longest standing "haven't swept the other" we have after the Browns is the Jets over the Patriots (2000) followed by the Browns again in 2007 vs the Ravens. 

Sad Stat # 5 - Saquon Barkley now has a league leading 14-plays getting stopped at the 1-yard line

Emilee Chinn. Getty Images.

The crazy part for us fantasy football nutzos is this guy has still been the best player this season despite getting left sitting in the hotel room office chair while tushes get pushed. It's infuriating. He was even given a chance on Sunday to score after his first stop at the 1 in which he showed all the vim and power of Gumby as he folded into a puddle on first contact. 

That's been the story with this guy. He has a better chance of breaking one from 60-75 yards out than one or two. It's insane. Those 14 league leading stops came on eight drives in which he didn't end up being the touchdown scorer at the end of the drive. Yes - that leads the league too. Of course. 

Sad Stat #6 - The Bears are 1-8 in late 4:25pm slate games since 2020

Just had to twist my own knife one more time this week. Luckily there were a billion points scored in the Rams/Bills game which extended things to make that game the last one on TV going into Sunday Night. But traditionally speaking, the Bears like to shit all over themselves when they are the only ones left to watch. 

That's enough for Week 14. Better days are ahead. Just not for us. Send me any tips you have on sad stat lookups or ideas @StatholeSports. 

See you next week. 

Catch up on last week's sad stats: