DEBATE: Power Ranking The Most Desirable Seats In This College Living Room
Alexa enhance
We got 8 couches in what appears to be a Nebraska fraternity senior house. I say that because 8 options means you got a lot of bodies. It's kinda shitty but whatever. I don't mind shitty. Shitty's not bad.
We'll rank the 8 seats in order of worst to best but first I want to point out a couple things I really like about this set up.
Double Bong
Technically that's a bubbler on the left but you get the point. Nothing beats an old fashioned double barrel like you're Tony La Russa in the 2006 playoffs trying to gameplan around Beltran-Delgado-Wright. You're not sure if you want to burn Adam Wainwright this early on Beltran because he crushes righties. So you get Randy Flores going next to Braden Looper to tag-team the heart of the order with specialty stuff and veteran command.
That's exactly how I feel about a double bong on a coffee table with Tums and Aunt Jemima resin. Sure I want a better grinder and that bowl leaves a lot to be desired. But there's at least one blow torch lighter adjacent to a protein-shaker-turned-shot-pourer, and that's plenty enough to recognize this as a great fucking coffee table. Top notch stuff led by the double bong.
Although I can't imagine Nebraska marijuana is very good, the same logic I hold on tits applies perfectly here.
- If I can squeeze your hooters, they're plenty real to me
- If I can smoke it, the weed's solid
- If the beer's cold, it's a solid beer
These are basic principles.
6969 Breathalyzer Poster
Eh.
I know these are young kids just trying to fuck. I won't judge but this one's a little gay.
Double UFC Poster
A little more gay, which is actually in the budget when you're living 8-10 deep under the same roof. I just think it's a better spot for a fantasy draft board or an old march madness bracket from the local bar. Just my two cents without grappling.
This Christmas Tree Is Definitely Stolen
That's 100% one of those Christmas trees with the tags hanging for the secret Santa charity presents. Kinda/huge scumbag move which is totally fine at this stage in life.
No Me Gusta All These Fucking Chords
I don't love sloppy chords but at least it's organized. And that looks like a melon/strawberry vape next to the second TV which is good for the 3-5 adderall prescriptions under this roof. Maybe dose up the jungle juice and do a group clean before the next pregame.
Double Bong, Double TV
But room for a lot more and much better placement. Also no internet connection is just too much drama for one stillshot. Especially if it's a Comcast product. Shame on those lousy, greedy scumbags.
Couch Rankings
One more time to stay refreshed.
Hopefully there's some panties in between those couch cushions. Nothing too crusty, obviously.
Maybe something lacey?
I like that a lot.
Let's get to the rankings:
8th - #7: Up against a wall, buddy to your left, buddy behind you and awkward access to the coffee table. You have to walk across the TV's to take a piss. And you're forced to hold your phone in your left hand which can create awkward texting positions, especially if you're drinking a cold brewski. This one stinks and is reserved for the least liked guy in the house.
7th - #6: Banished to the corner although you do have stadium seating. That's nice but that's about it. This spot is for the guy who farts too much and always falls asleep in the first half. Cuddle up with your blankets you little pussy and call your mom for a quickpay when the parlay fails. This guy gets the last dibs on everything. This seat fuckin blows.
6th - #8: Just a little too close and a little too crowded. Premium access to the bongs but you're probably passing them around a lot which means you're susceptible to dropping a bong at a later time which means a messy cleanup. Nice thing you can put your feet up though. I just don't think that's enough to crack the top 5 in the rotation. Too many moving parts and nothing suggests it's comfortable.
5th - #5: You can see the whole room. You got a good visual on the 2 TV's. You have no responsibility around the table and you can really sink into the corner. I still don't like texting lefty or having to lean into a buddy to my right a little bit. But things could be a lot worse. This is for the guy in a committed relationship where you don't really notice if he's gone for an afternoon because he's usually pretty low key. Probably got the best dick hang in the house with or without humidity. Just a real solid friend named Ryan or Matt.
4th - #4: Next to a garbage can and deeply centered in the room. You are in prime position for anyone else to hand you beers and food. You can put your feet up on the corner of #3 without much disruption. The leather looks plush and soft although probably smells like Keystone Light. That's okay. Probably the best place to get a bad blowjob in the basement and a great place to cut some monster farts - hopefully not at the same time but that's college. That's going to happen.
3rd - #1: Classic recliner just a little offset from the TV arrangement. Looks like it could be a challenge getting to fold out all the way. Definitely not an easy recliner to climb out of. But uniquely it's the only single seat in the house so you get extra credit. Some times you just don't want to sit next to anyone including your very best friends. So I like the recliner here especially if you're crushing a big meal that could get a little sloppy. Buffalo chicken calzone anyone? This is your spot.
2nd - #3: You have best view of the TV and probably remote control responsibility. Is that good or bad? I say good but I like to drive the bus the best I can. I think I have an innate ability at understanding commercial breaks, which is huge with a 2:30 SEC kick sandwiched around the Big Ten. This spot is exclusively reserved for that guy. Your also arms reach from everything and you're centered for conversation. It's demanding but this seat brings the most action, no questions asked.
1st Place Grand Champion - #2: The best seat in the basement and it's not close. You can get in and out the easiest. You have the best corner of any couch to sink into. You have maximum room to put your feet up because you're next to the recliner. You can charge a phone without needing to pass around the room. There's elite access to both TV's and maybe the best spot to grab a quick power nap without anyone really noticing. That's a huge draw in a room full of savages. Only downside here is you're 100% the guy who has to get the delivery from the front door, which means you might have to be the guy to collect money from your buddies and that fucking blows no matter how socially and vertically integrated they make Venmo. Nobody wants to collect but that's the cross you bear in the number chair. No way around it.
Results:
Do you agree or disagree?
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