The Pyramids Have Lost Their Fastball: Egyptian Government Has Rented Out The Pyramids of Giza to Mr. Beast
I'm afraid the Egyptian pyramids have lost their fastball. When alien slaves descended from Mars and built the pyramids thousands of years before the birth of Jesus, I'm positive this is not what they had in mind. The pyramids used to be a sacred burial ground where Egypt laid to rest their most important, most aggressively inbred pharaohs. The pyramids used to be respected. People used to have a healthy fear of ancient Egypt. Now the pyramids are a side show. A tourist attraction. Something to look at while you eat at combination KFC-Pizza Hut.
I don't wish any ill will on Mr. Beast. He seems like a good enough guy. I've always been a fan of his business model of giving away $100,000 and making $200,000 off the video. But if the pyramids have any pride, Mr. Beast won't make it out of there alive. If I were Mr. Beast, I might be worried this whole thing was a setup. Some dudes from the Egyptian government are just going to let Mr. Beast and friends bring in their cameras and gadgets for a YouTube ghost hunt? They're going to let them venture into the deepest darkest corridors of the pyramids never before seen by the public? That's where the mummies are. Like Mr. Beast, don't really believe in ghosts or mummies either. But if they do exist, underneath the Pyramids of Giza is 1000% where they're at.
This feels like an important moment for the pyramids. For ancient Egypt as a whole. If I'm the Egyptian government, I make sure Mr. Beast and his crew of beasters experience something terrible down there. Something so harrowing it'll force them to cancel the video. If Mr. Beast had to announce to his fans that the pyramids video is cancelled because of "something bad" they experienced down there. It would do wonders for their reputation.
I know concocting fake ghosts and manufacturing spooky noises is just spitting in the face of the pharaohs even further, but I'm afraid that ship has sailed. Once again, I refer you to the combination KFC-Pizza Hut across the street.
The pyramids once hosted a Maroon 5 concert.
The pyramids sold out a long time ago. If Egypt wants the public to fear their pyramids again (which should really be priority #1, it's the best thing they got going for them) they'll need to resort to cheap tricks. Booby traps, moaning, a guy in a mummy costume who beats the living shit out of Mr. Beast. Anything. They can't just let a group of American YouTuber's into the most sacred chambers of their country's most important ancient wonder to shoot a Feastables commercial and let them out unscathed. Egypt has let people get way too comfortable around their pyramids. The mystery is gone. The fear is gone. It's sad, really. If pyramids aren't going to nut up and start cursing people themselves, then somebody has to step in and trap Mr. Beast in a tomb for several days to teach the world a lesson.