One Of Us: Michael Penix Jr. Was Getting A Hot Dog At Costco When He Found Out He Was Named The Falcons New Starting QB

Forget the years of college tape, all the workouts at the combine, and every piece of work that's been done as a backup since the draft. That story right there told me all I need to know about Michael Penix. He is elite at decision making which will lead him to a ton of success in the ATL. 

There are a lot of great options at the Costco food court. The pizza travels like an NFL defense, satisfying hunger no matter which state you are in. The chicken bake is a culinary classic that you can't believe actually exists the first time you eat it. And the berry smoothie is the perfect drink when you wanna cool down and not feel like a giant pile of shit after you eat. But the king of the court is and forever will be the 1/4 pound PLUS hot dog. 

It's a full meal by itself, has always cost six quarters no matter how much inflation blitzes our lives, and oh yeah comes with a soda (WITH REFILL!!!!!) that is the perfect choice for a player in the first year of a rookie deal.

I can't even fault Penix for not finishing his hot dog after hearing the news because a Costco hot dog is not something you try to force down if you lost your appetite because it bites back. Again, we aren't talking about some little street vendor weenie. We are talking about a 1/4 pound PLUS hot dog. Penix realized the danger he would be in if he took that bad boy on and audibled at the last minute like a veteran of 10 years in the league. 

So Penix gets an A from me for his first act as Falcons starter which can become an A+++++ if he Brings The Boom with his first touchdown dance as a pro.

P.S. The fucked up thing about this story is you know Kirk Cousins was definitely shopping for some new jeans and shoes in Costco when HE got the news that Penix had replaced him as starter. Kirko Chainz may be all flash when he's wearing other peoples' jewelry, but we all know he is Kirkland Signature at heart.

P.P.S. Random side story: I was actually shopping in Costco when KFC texted me that Portnoy wanted to set up a meeting because he wanted to hire me full time nine years ago. I was doing my annual debate about whether it was better to buy Duracell AA batteries on sale or Kirkland batteries for full, yet cheaper, price when the text arrived. I got the same wave of excitement Penix likely got after hearing the news since working at Barstool was my dream job. The only difference is Penix is now leading an NFL team into battle every Sunday and I was going to be paid to write smut blogs. Oh yeah and I obviously ate a hot dog after I received the news. But other than that, we are just two guys who had life altering moments occur in a Costco. I truly hope Penix beats my Giants on Sunday, partially since we are Costco brothers and partially since it will put the Giants one step closer to potentially getting their own QB of the future.