Rapper News: IRS Auctioning Off Tekashi 6ix9ine's Things, Boosie's $500 Million Waterpark Community, Streamer Mad About "Gay Twitter"

There's a lot of accounts I follow on Twitter that I primarily follow in an effort to, for lack of a better phrase, "keep up with the internet". I don't necessarily want to, but on some level it's my job. I don't want to see endless videos of YouTube streamer iShowSpeed not beating professional athletes in foot races, and backflipping off of "dangerous" surfaces that actually aren't dangerous at all. They're literally just floors. But for some reason everyone seems willing to buy into the idea that he's the bravest most talented person on the entire internet. 

(Fitting I wrote this before backflipping smack dab in the middle of a Royal Rumble and got speared through the earth. Fine I guess that was pretty brave)

As a result of following these accounts, I'm introduced to a new streamer every day who's named after a password, and has more followers than Africa has people. They come out of nowhere. I'm pretty sure once a day somebody new will just buy millions followers, then people on the internet who are scared to look like they're not keeping up with the hippest new personalities will say, "Oh you don't know Nutsack2Times? I've known Nutsack2Timesfor years", and the next day Nutsack2Times is sitting court side at an NBA game with Lil' Wayne.

I'm also inundated with rap news. Apparently that's what moves the needle. YouTube streamers, rappers, and OnlyFans mod- excuse me… people get mad when I call them models. OnlyFans Filthy Stupid Whores. Those are the big three.

But I'm going to focus on rap here. I at least have the slightest bit of knowledge about rappers. I can at least wrap my mind around what makes a good rapper. I can identify a quality rap song. The first story here actually featured a rapper I've heard of. Tekashi 6ix9ine.

I'm brave enough to admit I've non-ironically enjoyed his music before. Specifically while lifting weights. Was the music tainted for me when I came across a 5 paragraph section of his Wikipedia titled 'Child Sexual Performance'? Yes. Yes, it was. I'm sorry, Tekashi 6ix9ine. You're an accomplished artist. But 'STOOPID (feat. Bobby Shmurda)' doesn't quite fall on the correct side of the "Does The Art Transcend The Artist" scale. It's not like you made the Ignition (Remix). 

Tekashi 6ix9ine aka Daniel Hernandez's life has been a downward spiral from the minute I learned his name. He attempted the tried and true method of gaining popularity in the rap game by committing crimes to boost his street cred (which of course makes your music better as well). Unfortunately, Daniel failed to hop off the crimes train before he reached the "Your Life is Over" tipping point.

He racketeered one too many times. Once you reach the Life is Over Zone, it's strictly bad headlines every time your name is in the news (i.e. Tekashi 6ix9ine Jumped at LA Fitness)

At the start of this week, I wouldn't have been surprised if we never heard Tekashi 6ix9ine's name for the rest of our lives. But I knew if we were to hear it, it would be in a headline of this manner.

It's a low point for any celebrity, or professional athlete, or any human being in general when they resort to selling off everything they own. It's significantly worse when your diamond encrusted Bruce The Shark from Finding Nemo chain is fetching $83,000 on liveauctioneers.com, and the money is going into the pockets of the IRS. When you owe the government so much money they bust down your door and take your teeth, I'm not sure you can come back from that. 

Shoutout to the men out there bidding on the disgraced rapper's gold & multi-colored enamel grills. Anytime you have the opportunity to obtain the rainbow teeth of a man who once filmed a 13-year old having sex for a music video, you gotta capitalize on it.

Moving on to less disgraced rapper/kidney cancer survivor Boosie Badazz. Some rappers have staying power that I don't fully understand. Despite being 42-years old, and not having released a relevant song since 2007, Boosie somehow manages to make the "news" for doing next to nothing every time he leaves his home. For example:

On Friday, Boosie brought to the table a business proposition. A money making opportunity that I'm certain has the oil tycoons, tech moguls, and Saudi Princes of the world throwing wads of crypto at his feet. 

I've long said important business should be conducted in all caps. That's how you let investors know you are a serious person. If Boosie's waterpark community proposal once grabbed the attention of an Arab, then you know the idea has legs. I personally think this would be a great use of 26 acres. There's just something about a waterpark. Long lines full of unruly children. Pear-shaped adults with the irrational confidence to wear a bathing suit in public. Watermelon-shaped adults asking way too much from white t-shirt. Waterparks are a magical place. A place where people of all shapes and colors are willing to bathe together in a lukewarm toilet. Where people turn a blind eye to bodily fluids, floating Band-Aids, and all other gross things that in any other situation would repulse them. But none of that matters in a waterpark, because we have a shocking amount of faith in the powers of chlorine.

I don't know about you, but when I leave a waterpark, I think to myself, "Why can't this be my life?"

STR. Getty Images.

Why can't we build communities around waterparks the way we do with golf courses? Where instead of eating a maple glazed salmon at a clubhouse that overlooks the 18th green, shirtless men can suck down cheese dogs at a safari themed food court and cheer for the neighborhood MILF's to lose their tops as they come plummeting down the waterslide. Boosie might be onto something here. If he hasn't gotten the funds already, I'm sure there's an Arab somewhere getting his finances in order so he can hand Boosie the $500M he needs to realize his dreams. 

Speaking of streamers who I am convinced were created out of thin air. Today was the day I finally broke down and looked up who Plaqueboymax is. I've been fighting the urge to do so for weeks. This Plaqueboymax character has been dominating my Twitter feed ever since a few weeks ago when he got mad at other rappers for smoking weed in his AirBnB.

An ugly, ugly rap beef that would make Suge Knight bluff. But Plaqueboymax guy who disapproves of weed smoking is popular now. He is a rapper and a streamer. His songs have millions of listens on Spotify. I'll admit, he's an objectively attractive guy. His career has taken off over the last year. And he's super popular with, as he calls it, "Gay Twitter". See if you can deduce how that happened. 

But Plaqueboymax has officially reached critical mass with the gay community. He's sick and tired of the videos he recorded of himself shaking his ass being enjoyed by gay people. He's sick and tired of people wanting to fuck him. He sick of being called gay. He's a super tough, super straight rapper, and he won't hear anything else. He has no early idea how this could have happened. Despite the fact that he actively bragged about using "Gay Twitter" to "increase his viewership".

Much like what's depicted in the crimes/popularity line graph, Plaqueboymax played into Gay Twitter a little too much. He's reached a point of no return, and much to his dismay, his sexuality has come into question.

As you can see, unlike the crimes tipping point, Plaqueboymax playing so far into Gay Twitter that he's now being called gay has only made him more popular with the internet as a whole. But if reading between the lines here, I'd say now that Pboymax has some money & fame, he's starting to regret the image he cultivated for himself. Now he's trying to do damage control. 

Thank goodness he nipped that in the bud. As everybody knows, if there's one surefire way to get people to stop calling you (insert any word here) on the internet, it's to release a public statement letting everyone knows it bothers you to be called (insert any word here) on the internet. Now Pboy has that cleared up, he'll be able to get on with the extremely heterosexual rap career he had originally envisioned for himself.

Also Soulja Boy is yelling at the Catch Me Outside Girl from Dr. Phil. He says she's mad at him because he wouldn't consent to a dick suck.

Alright… I think it might be time for a mass unfollowing. Of the 1,567 people I'm following on Twitter, I think a good 1,000 of them need to go. It's gotten away from me. When you find yourself 1,400 words into a blog about the Plaqueboymax's of the world on a Saturday evening, it's time to reevaluate some things. I think this is why when dad's reach a certain age, they just punt on trying to keep up with new shit and just get super into World War 2. I might be time for me to start watching Ken Burns documentaries.