I think it's about time we saw Kanye's dick.
I casually tweeted last night that I am now 2 for 2 in seeing Kanye West's wives' vaginas. And if you'd like me to expand that stat a little more, I have also seen the naked tits of both his wives AND at least 3 of his former girlfriends, including Amber Rose…
(No thanks.)
Someone named Chaney Jones…
MEGA. Getty Images.And someone else named Willem Dafoe Julia Fox…
Javier Rojas. Shutterstock Images.This morning, I woke up to find a host of people conjecturing that Kanye's latest bride might be under some mental or physical duress which leads to her showing up in public photo-ops wearing nothing but that dull and vapid stare you would normally see from a 27-year-old Korean orphan who (maybe reluctantly?) married her adopted mother's 62-year-old ex-boyfriend…
Mitchell Gerber. Getty Images.And I get it… After poring over several photos where Bianca Censori (maybe reluctantly?) has her tits out in public, it's tough not to look for lobotomy scars to explain it all away.
Like here…
Arnold Jerocki. Getty Images.Or here…
MEGA. Getty Images.But I think I have a better explanation.
Instead of asking her to "blink twice if you're being held prisoner" or "point to the place on this doll where Kanye touched you" perhaps we should all take a more sensible route to the explanation of why she is so quick to flash her clam in front of kids, and here it is: Kanye is very rich and this broad REALLY enjoys the shiny things he buys her… Even if they come at the expense of her dignity.
After all, we live in a world that glorifies some random strumpet proudly accommodating 1000 strange loads in a single day…
So why not feed the fish with a little nipple every now and again to keep the gifts rolling in from a man who many incorrectly call "a genius"?
Matt Baron. Shutterstock Images."Genius"
And even though I don't have a horse in this race, particularly since I don't care for Kanye and my kids are old enough to see nudity without me clutching my pearls, I still feel compelled to throw Mr. West a little advice.
Instead of having the rumor of your wife being a sex-slave ruin your potential to make even more money off of morons who love ugly sneakers, why not just meet this thing head-on and take your head out?… And I am referring to the head of his dick in this scenario.
My wife's adopted mother (and my ex-girlfriend) used to always say to me: What's good for the goose is good for the gander. So why not let every silly goose out there take a good gander at your cock on the red carpet at… Oh, I don't know… THE OSCARS?
Handout. Getty Images.And perhaps Kanye has a list of reasons why he wouldn't want to do such a thing, and "Imma let him finish" with his reasoning before I say that even a fleeting glance of his dick would do more for his image than any of his anti-semitism ever could. But let's troubleshoot some of the potential problems nonetheless…
- If length (or lack of it) is your problem, just show them the tip.
- If you wanna get that extra optical inch, shave down to the skin 2 nights before… And I stress the 2-night cushion just so there is no uncomfortable itchiness from your newfound pubic stubble.
- Maybe make up a tiny version of whatever hideous shoes you're currently hawking and wear one on each testicle for some free ads.
It's a fucking win-win for a guy who probably needs a win, and it'll encourage even more artists of ALL genders to bare it all in public forums until we finally get to a Gommorah-like society that is just begging for a reckoning.
Culture Club. Getty Images.And all of it starts with a certain special penis connected to a certain special artist finally showing itself to the world.
The balls (and stem) are in your court now Yeezy… Do what's right.
Take a report.
-Large
If all that talk of dicks has you hungry, check this out…
TAR
-L