Now That's A Shitty Situation: Saquon Barkley Tells Story About Getting Drug Tested While Taking A Post-Game Dump
Kevin Sabitus. Getty Images.Week in and week out, Saquon Barkley does things on the football field that no ordinary human should be able to do. Playing football for a guy like Saquon Barkley looks like it has to be the most fun thing anybody has ever done. The only downside to being that ridiculously talented, however, is that the NFL is going to find a way to "randomly" select you for a drug test every chance they get. Break off a monster 70-yard run on the first play from scrimmage? Drug test. Reverse hurdle over a defender? Drug test. Set a new career high? Drug test.
So today, Saquon Barkley went on Slay's podcast to talk about a bunch of different things leading up to the Super Bowl. One of those things being how many times he gets "randomly" selected for a drug test. Which then brought this story into the fold.
You know how every rectangle isn't a square, but every square is a rectangle? Well not every piss is a shit, but every shit is a piss. Doesn't matter if you don't have to pee or not, any time you pop a squat on that toilet you are going to let a little bit go.
So when Saquon couldn't muster up any piss for his drug test but he needed to drop a quick steamer after the game? Well some poor bastard had to follow him into the bathroom, wait there with the door cracked open to the stall, and just stand there while Saquon unloaded a post-game dump just to see if they could capture a drop of piss for his sample.
At some point you need to stand there and realize it's not worth it. At some point you need to have that lightbulb go off in your brain that says maybe you could wait a few to test this guy if you really need a sample from him, rather than have to supervise him taking a shit after a game just to see if you can take away a few drops of urine. At some point, you should make the decision that it doesn't even matter if Saquon was doping or not. But that never crossed this poor bastard's mind, and he just stood there to watch the whole time. Sick bastard. Something tells me this dude wanted to watch Saquon pinch off a deuce in the first place. Gross little freak.
Go Birds.