He's Announcing the Super Bowl, Chip Kelly Ratted Him Out, and Gisele Gave Birth: Just Another Week in the Life of Tom Brady

Diamond Images. Getty Images.

One of the great last lines in movie is from one of my all time Desert Island films, Patton. It's after the war. The General's army has been disbanded. His part of the great saga is at an end. He realizes an old war horse like him has no part to play in the new world to come. And in voiceover he delivers this speech:

For over a thousand years, Roman conquerors returning from the wars enjoyed the honor of a triumph - a tumultuous parade. In the procession came trumpeters and musicians and strange animals from the conquered territories, together with carts laden with treasure and captured armaments. The conqueror rode in a triumphal chariot, the dazed prisoners walking in chains before him. Sometimes his children, robed in white, stood with him in the chariot, or rode the trace horses. A slave stood behind the conqueror, holding a golden crown, and whispering in his ear a warning: that all glory is fleeting.                            

I bring it up now because that last phrase has just come to mind. And because I realize that while it might have been true to Roman conquerors and WWII commanders, it's not true of every great man. For sure it's not true of the greatest of us all, Tom Brady. Here we are, two-plus years since he threw his last official pass, and this is what he's been up to:

The man who helped make him great wants to name the most prestigious team honor in all of sports after him:

He's successfully replaced the most popular and celebrated TV analyst in the business:

In doing so, he's reportedly drawn not only Olsen's wrath, but a significant portion of the pro football world is saying he needs to leave Fox Sports because he can't be both analyzing the Super Bowl and owning a piece of the Las Vegas Raiders:

And that was only a warmup for this week. Just a little resistance band training to get him loose for what was to come. For one, no sooner had Brady denied any involvement in the day-to-day operations in Vegas:

… than he had Chip Kelly getting hired by the Raiders and immediately putting his foot in mouth. In no uncertain terms, blowing Brady's cover by volunteering the fact the GOAT was Mark Davis' point man in the interview process:

Probably in violation of a half dozen rules put in place to allow a minority owner of a team to call games on one of the NFL's cherished "broadcast partners."

Now for your average, ordinary star athlete, slogging their way through the early years of their retirement, that would be enough drama for a lifetime. For this historic figure though, it just a prelude. We're talking about a man who makes more headlines before he rolls out of bed in the morning than most celebrities do in a lifetime. And even without playing an active role in this story, he's still THE major part of it:

Source - Gisele Bündchen has expanded her family … the supermodel gave birth to her third child, her first with boyfriend Joaquim Valente … TMZ has learned. 

We're told Gisele is super happy -- and mom and the baby are healthy. It's unclear when the new bundle arrived but we're told it was recently.  …

[O]ur sources said Gisele and JV were going to wait until birth to find out if they were having a girl or boy. It's currently unclear which. 

Let me just share my sincerest congratulations to the happy family. Mother and child are doing well, making this truly a blessed event. 

But let me also add it never occurred to me to call that homewrecker Joaquim Valente, "JV." It actually couldn't be more appropriate. 

Now getting back to the Varsity, let me just reiterate what I said when Gisele's pregnancy was first announced:

So good for her. Good for the happy couple. Good for the Brady Bundchen, who are no doubt excited to have a new sibling. And of course, good for Brady, who'll be hearing from his ex a lot less once she's got a newborn to occupy every second of her free time. …

But the one person in this dynamic I do not feel good for is that unborn baby. …

 What about being in a family of kids who were fathered by a genetically perfect metahuman? How's it going feel sharing a home with older siblings who hit the DNA Powerball jackpot? It doesn't matter how handsome and successful your Jiu Jitsu dad might be. When you're eating your Fruity Pebbles across the breakfast table from the offspring of Tom farking Brady, you're the runt of that litter. Any child would be.

 

The fruit of Joaquim Valente's loins is about to be born into an impossible situation. He or she is going to be the Tyriann Lannister of the family. Filch from Hogwarts, who was born of magical parents but has no magic powers of his own. One of those lesser superheroes from The Boys who gets pushed around by Homelander because they have no ability to stand up to him. …

Good luck trying to get control of the TV or wanting to play a different videogame when your brother or sister gets to say, "Let's put it to a vote. If your father who won seven Super Bowls, raise your hand. Oh, just us? OK, let's try this. Whose dad led a comeback from down 28-3? Not you? Oh. I say we let anyone whose father's name was in the title of a movie where four legendary Hollywood old bags travel across the country to watch him play decide what to watch. Whoopsie! I guess that's not you, either. Take it up with your Karate Kid dad, loser." 

Sorry, baby. You're going to have to find this out sooner or later, so it might as well be from me in a satirical blog. Life is unfair. You'll no doubt be loved by your step- and half-siblings, but the harsh reality is your dad is not their dad. Part of that "Life is unfair" applies to their dad, for whom every day brings him fame and glory and being at the center of attention throughout all aspects of American culture. And there's not a thing that you, Greg Olsen or the rest of the NFL can do about. 

On behalf of the human race, we wish you nothing but the best. But you'll never be this guy.