Just Because You're Wearing a Tinfoil Hat Doesn't Mean Your Conspiracy Theories Belong in the Recycle Bin...

I'm considering joining the ranks of conspiracy theorists because it looks like fun and can lead to a lot of page views. 

My official title will be "conspiracists," and I'll be responsible for promoting my beliefs as fact, even if they're far-fetched and nonsensical. I'm told once you get people to believe your conspiracy theories, it's very empowering and potentially lucrative.

I've always toed the line regarding creative non-fiction, but with conspiracy theories, anything goes, and the more bizarre, the better.

I remember "Crazy Phil" telling me and Moose that "women with dirty toenails have dirty vaginas." Without any evidence, I took Phil, a former swabby, at his word. He may have been the first conspiracist I met whose belief I accepted as fact without proof. It's a shame that shortly after that, Phil was arrested for flashing at an airport and then institutionalized because, at that point, his future as a conspiracist seemed bright and had no bounds.

I considered doing the space laser thing or people-eating-pets, but both have already been done, and I don't want to be known as a copycat conspiracist. 

I've always been impressed by the flat-earthers who are so passionate about their theory despite scientific evidence to the contrary, so I want something along those lines. Something that goes against science and logic…

I've considered "Bruce Jenner never had a penis, and his children were adopted." I think there's some real merit to that. It's believable, right?

When I was in fifth grade, using a Polaroid Instamatic, me and Dave Mirable snapped a black and white photo of an aluminum pie plate one of us tossed in the air. All the kids at school believed us when we told them it was a flying saucer. For several days, we were the talk of the school, space adventurers, until a science teacher outed us, and we were exposed as frauds. I didn't know it then, but that could've been the beginning of what might've been a long and illustrious career as a conspiracy theorist.

I'm considering "Elon Musk is an alien" because it's believable. Landing on Mars could be his return to his homeland, right? I like this! It's National Enquiresque…

Becoming a conspiracy theorist is more difficult than I thought, but I'm not giving up. I'll be working very hard trying to create the next big conspiracy. I'm not tossing my tinfoil hat in the recycle bin just yet…

If you have any far-fetched or nonsensical ideas, especially ones without merit that are contrary to science and logic, put 'em in the comments; who knows, you could be onto something big…

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