With All Due Respect, Ben Mintz Is Not Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse. And Neither Are Any Of These People Who Work At This Company. HERE IS THE DEFINITIVE LIST OF WHAT BARSTOOL SPORTS EMPLOYEES I AM TAKING IN MY DOOMSDAY BUNKER
Who the fuck comes up with this shit?
Don't get me wrong. Fantastic debate topic. I would love to sit around and talk prepping with people who are both knowledgeable about the practice, and those who are clueless and laugh it off.
But who selected this group of names? And even worse the seeds?
Were they just choosing them out of a hat?
I can't tell you a worse group of individuals I would want to be in my bunker with to survive an apocalyptic or catastrophic event of any kind. Except for maybe the two Jerry's.
Both of them have some skills, smarts, and resourcefulness. Meaning they bring value to the table.
When people talk about "surviving a zombie apocalypse", they're really talking about what preppers term "WSHTF" or "SHTF". Meaning When Shit Hits The Fan.
This can be any number of things- nuclear winter, a cataclysmic natural disaster, a electro-magnetic pulse (EMP) attack, a global economic collapse, wars over critical resources like water or food, etc.
Zombies aren't going to pop up out the ground and start eating our brains and turning us into zombies.
But those other scenarios aren't so much a question of if as much as they are about when.
It's a well known fact that civil order hangs on by the teeniest, tiniest of threads.
The saying goes that "mankind is 9 missed meals away from total anarchy".
Meaning when the masses go 3 days in a row with no food, that's when shits going to get dicey. Remember how people were acting like animals in Target when they couldn't get fucking toilet paper to wipe their ass with during covid?
Well just imagine how cranky they're going to get and what happens when their kids are starving.
People in this company love to laugh and call me crazy for having a bug-out bag and a gameplan for when shit hits the fan- not because I think it's going to happen tomorrow- but because it's better to be safe than it is sorry, and whenever that day or night does come, it's going to be too late to scramble and put together what you need or think of a plan.
Mintzy, Nate, Kevin Clancy, Nicky Smokes, Clem, Dana Beers, Frank the Tank, Little Sasquatch, Big Ev, Joey Camasta, Tommy Smokes, Glenny Balls, and Eddie.
Those are the subjects selected for this particular bracket scenario.
Now consider the most important things when needing to survive are the following: Water, food, shelter, and security.
Look at that list of gentlemen and tell me what value any of them bring to the table in regards to those aspects of surviving?
I prefer to pose an alternative question that plays along the same lines as "who could survive a zombie apocalypse", when discussing end of the world scenarios over dinner and drinks with people. And that is posing the question, "who would you want in your doomsday bunker with you?"
It's a very strategic and convoluted question that you have to give serious thought to. It's the thinking man's question and a great way to gain an idea of what makes a person tick. And see what they value. (Seriously, try it sometime).
Think about it-
You can't go crazy adding an army of people, because how are you going to feed all of those mouths?
The more mouths to feed, the more storage and space you need to store all that food, and water. (And places for them to shit and piss.)
You can't just choose your family because if you're really going to survive- fending off marauders, protecting your shelter, and food, and everything else, you're going to need some muscle and some smarts.
The prepper line is "Skills Over Smarts".
Which essentially means that having a room full of gear is pointless if you don’t know how to use it or lack the knowledge to adapt it to changing situations.
Which brings us back to that list.
Listen, I fucking love all of these guys - Mintzy, Nate, Kevin Clancy, Nicky Smokes, Clem, Dana Beers, Frank the Tank, Little Sasquatch, Big Ev, Joey Camasta, Tommy Smokes, Glenny Balls, and Eddie.
But am I opening up the barricaded hatch to let them in my bunker? Or even giving them the coordinates of it? No fucking way Jose.
Because what value are these guys bringing to the table in a survival situation? (Especially in contrast to how much they're going to eat and shit)
Back to the the four pillars of survival. Water, food, shelter, and security.
(This blog is really getting carried away but sorry, I'm fired up)
Here's why each is important-
Water- you gotta aim for a reliable way to store (i.e., water barrels, bottled water) and purify (i.e. filters, chemical treatments) enough water for each person in your group.
Food- you have to stockpile non-perishable items with a long shelf life, and consider dietary needs and variety to avoid “food fatigue.” Include items you actually like to eat so you rotate your stock. Think canned goods but also protein bars, MRE's, jerky's, rice, beans, etc.
Shelter- Whether bugging in (staying put) or bugging out (evacuating), you need safe, temperature-controlled living conditions. You gotta plan for alternative heating/cooling and sturdy shelter in the event of infrastructure failures.
(I live in one of the most lawless and fucked up cities in the country. And that's on a good day! So you better believe I am hightailing it the fuck out of here to one of my bug-out destinations at the first sign of things looking bad. If you already live in an isolated, safe area, you are much more apt to "bug-in".)
Security: Last but definitely not least, protecting yourself from theft or violence might become more pertinent in extended crises. This can range from practical home security measures (reinforced doors/windows, alarms, lighting) to learning self-defense.
Again, people laugh at me and call me crazy but that's because they have their heads in the sand or live in LaLa land. All you need to do is open your eyes and look at the government response to real actual crisis. Look at Katrina. Look at the hurricane damage in the Carolinas. The California Wildfires. Those are relatively small, isolated incidents in the grand scheme of things and they were still unmitigated disasters that they STILL haven't got control of and helped people recover from. Imagine if shit really got bad. And on a grand scale. Who's coming to save you?
Which brings us to health and medical preparedness that you have to take into account.
When shit hits the fan, medical services become overwhelmed and are completely unavailable. Treating injuries and managing chronic conditions becomes your responsibility.
Keep a well-stocked first-aid kit that goes beyond the basics: include supplies like tourniquets, sutures (if you have the training), burn dressings, antibiotics, and prescriptions for chronic illnesses.
If I am recruiting for my Barstool Sports Doomsday Bunker, here's who I am going with -
Sydnie Wells.
This just shows what buffoons these Bracket guys are. Sydnie is the biggest no-brainer of no-brainers for this particular scenario.
She's the closest thing to an actual survivalist we have at this company. She's an expert markswoman. She can fish, forage, and she knows how to track. She's perfectly capable of living off the land for an extended period of time.
Next up I'm taking Chaps in my bunker.
He's ex-military which speaks for itself. He's used to living in tough conditions, making the most of shit situations, and keeping himself and his team alive. He can handle a weapon, and as the video above also demonstrates, he's skilled with machinery and his hands. He's like a swiss army knife of sorts.
Welcome aboard, Chaps.
Kate-
For the same reasons I just listed above with Chaps.
(Sometimes, I wish this country mandated 2 years of service for everyone upon turning 18, as they do in Israel. I believe this would not only toughen us all, but also impart important life skills and instill a sense of teamwork, camaraderie, and nationalism that we desperately need. But I digress. I'm very jealous of the qualities and skills possessed by our service men and women.)
That said, I think it's important to point out that these bunker invitations are for yourself only. You don't get a +1 sadly. There's only so much room, so much food, and we have a mission to accomplish here: survive and save humanity.
Even though Kate has the cutest kid ever, and The Beav seems like a hilarious and genuinely good guy, we just don't have the room for family members. So Chaps and Kate both have tough decisions to make.
(Captain Cons will not be receiving an invitation sadly. Listen, I love Connor to death. Great guy. Has a brain. Common sense dude. Hard worker. But he's got like a zillion kids now, and I think he peaked health and conditioning-wise like 15 years ago. I don't think his military skills are that sharp anymore and he's too much of a liability now. Sincerest apologies.)
Next in the bunker is Chef Donny.
Kids fucking crazy. He jumps out of planes, runs with the bulls, he pretty much has no sense of fear.
If a nuclear holocaust is going on outside the bunker, or a band of Mad Max wannabe's caught wind about our ration stash and are surrounding us, Donny is the first one breaching that door and leading the charge outside.
He's also pretty damn good at whipping up delectable meals while being extrememly resourceful. (Our dogshit city council and planning department wouldn't green light a gas line for the Barstool office so the poor kid has to cook on a fucking Easy Bake Oven.)
Donny is in.
Wonton Don
Donnie has been all over the world. He knows how to communicate with all different races, colors, and languages. He can be very valuable in deescalating situations and talking people down in stressful situations.
He's also used to eating like a prisoner and he's a very level-headed guy. I think 90-180 days in a bunker while humanity tries to get back on its feet would be a walk in the park for him.
Smitty -
Laugh all you want but people forget Smitty used to be scrappy as fuck.
Back when he was surviving by selling macaroni, and I put the company on my back DJing sold-out Blackout Tour shows 4 nights a week for 4 years straight so Dave could keep the Milton lights on, Smitty barely ate. Anything. He was all dick and ribs back then. He knows what its like to go without.
He also kicked $20 Chef's ass so the guy can fight.
He'd also be a great glue guy, keeping the team together when times get tough with his message of love. Smitty is in.
Nick Turani -
Nick is an enigma.
I've been lucky to have met some pretty fascinating people in my life, but Turani might take the cake.
He's like Desmond from Lost. Just when you think you have him all figured out, he rewrites the rules.
I swear every other week I bump into him and learn some new, shocking, revelation about him.
You could tell me Turani is blacklisted from every casino in Vegas because he's the greatest card counter in the world, or that he runs a hand-stiched apparel company run out of a nursing home and I wouldn't bat an eye.
The guy wears so many different hats and nothing surprises me anymore about him. If he was the key to rebuilding society I wouldn't be surprised in even the least.
Hannah Cook-
I have no idea if she technically still works here but she's still on the bloggers page so she gets an invite.
Hannah brings golf to the table. And somebody's going to have to teach people how to golf again when we're rebuilding civilization.
Large -
Out of everybody who works here, I think Large is the smartest.
He has exquisite taste in food, women, and women - which don't really come in handy in a doomsday scenario, but just thought I needed to throw that in there- but he's also pretty handy in the kitchen.
He's a great talker and bullshitter so I can see him outsmarting just about anybody we come in contact with looking to trade who thinks they can take advantage of us. Not gonna happen with Large around.
He also use to be a boxer, so in hand-to-hand combat he has an edge. And he's fucking huge. So add in the intimidation factor as well.
We're also going to need somebody who understands how money, and trade, and free markets, and all that jazz really work when rebuilding everything so that's just a bonus.
There's my 10-person Barstool Sports Doomsday Bunker squad. I think I covered all the bases and with not very much to work with if we're being totally honest.
I am far from an educated or expert prepper. But I love to follow and read the ones who are. If you're more interested in this stuff check out - Dave Canterbury, James Wesley Rawles, Cody Lundin, and Les Stroud for my favorites. Also, the book that got me interested in all this stuff to begin with is a great place to start- Emergency, by Neil Strauss.
p.s.- I seriously need to cut the shit and do my Bug Out Bag Blog.