The Bears Need To Cut The Shit Trying To Plug Their Offensive Line Holes With Bubble Gum And Just Sign A Squad Of Sumo Wrestlers

These videos are from last year, but I don't care. I saw them for the first time this weekend and haven't been able to stop thinking about them since. 

This blog is joking around, but kind of serious at the same time. 

After years of throwing darts at the offensive line like a kid with a blindfold, the Chicago Bears have finally made serious some moves this offseason.

General manager Ryan Poles, bless his heart, has brought in Drew Dalman, a center many are calling "a real get", as well as a few defensive line guys (Dayo Odeyingbo, Grady Jarrett) to shore up the other side of the ball.

Dalman’s 26, so he’s still in his prime... unless, of course, that prime includes missing eight games last season and struggling to protect a quarterback from the slightest of pressure. Still, he’s the best option on the market, because if you’re looking for a perfect center nowadays, you might as well be looking for the Holy Grail at this point.

Then there’s Joe Thuney and Jonah Jackson, both guards they traded for, because if you’re going to fix your line, you should totally put your trust in two veterans who are entering the tail end of their careers.

(I was never a huge Thuney fan in New England because he always seemed like the weak link in an otherwise good to great offensive line. He was a turnstile when matched up with anybody who had freakish agility and for an immobile QB like Brady, who basically wore cement shoes instead of cleats, it didn't bode well. 

In KC, it wasn't an issue for Mahomes- as mobile as they come- so hopefully protecting a guy with similar ability to scramble and extend the play like Williams is much of the same. 

But the point remains, this is an offensive line with glaring holes that Poles and company addressed last offseason. And to say they whiffed is the understatement of the century. 

Williams was sacked an astounding 58 times last season! 

How on Earth you draft the future of your franchise- your supposed savior- and then throw him to the wolves like that, destroying any confidence whatsoever, not allowing him to build a shred of it, is incredibly dumb. But that's the Chicago Bears. 

To say/hope things are different heading into this season, is ignoring 20 - 30 odd years of the past where the Bears offensive line has been a revolving door for defensive lines, and blitzing linebackers. 

A large part of the reason the Chicago Bears are one of the only teams in the NFL that have never had an actual quarterback (aside from Jay Cutler), is because to throw the ball, you have to actually be able to throw the ball. Something Bears QB's have never had the opportunity to attempt to do. 

Hence my solution. 

Hire a crew of 5 Sumo Wrestlers. 

Hear me out. 

This is Micah Parsons. 

Arguably the scariest guy in the world to line up against right now and try to keep in front of you. 

He is an absolute freak of nature. Standing 6'3" and weighing 250 pounds, there is no law in physics explaining how an object that large can move that quickly. 

Yet, look at the ease with which these sumo wrestlers handled him last off-season in Tokyo.

They didn't budge. He looked like he would have had more success pushing a bulldozer back a few inches than he did that guy in black. And the wrestler was laughing the entire time. 

Laugh all you want but this is the outside-the-box solution that these nerd NFL GMs are too afraid to be the first to do because it breaks the norm. 

Go overseas, bring Olin Kreutz, train these guys around the clock for 6 months, bring them to Chicago, take them to Johnnie's Beef and buy out the store to feed them, blow their minds, sign them to rock-bottom deals, and never look back. 

Then watch as the rest of the league attempts to follow the leader. 

Done and done.

Here's the entire video. It's pretty entertaining and impressive stuff. I want visit Japan so bad and watching this just made me want to go even more. 

(P.s. - how the fuck is that sumo in the black loincloth only 17 years old? That is bonkers. Not even remotely kidding, sign that kid now and mold him like Jimmy Dolan did in The Air Up There.)