Pokemon Scalpers Are a Different Breed

Really wish I could find the original video with the original sound. I'd like to know what heated words were exchanged between these two highly respectable, Bay Area, adult Pokemon card scalpers. But I think I got my finger on the pulse of what's happening here. The man standing in front of the machine (tall, black) was clearly first to arrive. That was never in question. The second man (fat, white) arrived second. He knew from the jump that he didn't really have a leg to stand on. But it was eating him up inside. He was mad that his rival Pokemon card scalper beat him to the punch. He was mad at himself for stopping at Krispy Kreme on the way to the store. He was mad at the world because life has taken him down a path where being first to arrive at the Pokemon card vending machine is critical to his financial well-being. 

So fat white guy starts out by engaging in some playful banter. He started in with some light heckling. I'm sure the two esteemed capitalists went back and forth for a minute. On some level there's a mutual respect between the two, but beneath the surface they fucking despise each other. Despite being the exact same person in every way, they both see each other as being everything that's wrong with the card scalping industry. 

Naturally, things escalate from there. Fat white guy knows his tall black rival is about to clean out that entire machine. He's probably trying to shame him out of it. Eventually he turns to a random 16-year old Target employee (or whatever store they're at) for a lifeline. Like some kid is going to help establish any sort of order to the situation. And I'm guessing at some point during all that, some employee mistakenly says something that fat white guy can interpret as, "Whoever is standing at the machine when the restock comes gets to go first."

That's when he starts to get physical and grabs tall black guy by the shoulder. To which a more assertive employee who's sick of this tomfoolery says, "If you lay a hand on him one more time I'm calling the cops."

Fat white guy counters, "Oh ok. Fine. I won't lay a hand on him"

That's when he steps in with the box out. "I'm not laying hands on him! I'm not laying hands on him! I'm not laying hands on him!", and proceeds to establish position by way of force using primarily his ass. Keeping his hands in the air the whole time to show that he's not fouling. That he's abiding by his own stupid fucking interpretation of the rules set forth by store employees who want nothing more in the world than for that Pokemon vending machine to burst into flames.

I'm pretty sure I got that right. These Pokemon vending machines are wreaking havoc on big box retail stores, and the Pokemon community as a whole. Because from what I can tell, the machines are essentially useless to the average collector. Because scalpers like these two assholes will camp out in front of it for hours on end waiting for a restock, then proceed to clear out the whole thing the second it's filled. It's been happening all over the place.

I'm not sure what more there is to be said about scalpers that hasn't already. The people who buy up entire collections for the sole purpose of re-selling them at 3x MSRP clearly suck. If you're a scalper, your defense is that you're simply "engaging in capitalism". And I'll give these scalpers some credit. It takes an unique combination of balls, a tremendous lack of shame, and an overwhelming fear of ever having to get a real job to clear out a whole ass machine with a camera in your face and a line of angry people yelling at you.

It sure does suck for everyone else though. The cool new Pokemon machines aren't even for Pokemon fans at this point. Pokemon fans just have just come to accept that if they want to add to their collection, they're going to have to deal with one of these assholes.

On the bright side, it sounds like Pokemon is at least attempting to do something about this by adding purchase limits to the machines. Along with a stern message that say, "Hey! You! You can't loiter there! Don't even think about it!"

Whether or not the purchase limit restrictions actually prevent scalpers from cleaning out the machines, or if there's a simple way for them to work around it (i.e. multiple credit cards) remains to be seen. I'm also not sure who Pokemon expects to enforce their "no loitering" rule. Perhaps this is a poor reflection on my character, but if I'm working part-time at Walmart, I'm not getting between a couple of scalpers. I'm not paid enough for that shit. Unless maybe there's a kid involved. The satisfaction of kicking some scalpers out of line so that a small child who wants nothing more than to proudly display a Charizard on his bedroom shelf ends up with the best item in the machine… that would be worth it. But if there's no kids involved. Sorry adult Pokemon fans. You're on your own. Pokemon is going to have to send their own enforcers for that one.