It's Weird Food Season In Ballparks Across America So It's Time To Talk About How It's A Sin To Eat A Burger At The Ballpark
Opening Day is quickly approaching (no I don't count the games happening at 4:35 on a Tuesday morning in Japan as Opening Day) and that is prime time weird food season. Nothing these food companies love more than throwing a bunch of stuff on a bun or roll and charging $34.99 for it at a ballpark. You want a deep fried beef patty on a donut bun with pickles, Hershey kisses, mustard, old bay, tobasco sauce and crab dip on it? You're in luck! You want a quesadilla filled with marshmallow, caramel sauce, pepperoni and Nerds on it? This is the time for you! Ballpark eats are all over the place and each year they get more and more crazy. But one thing that we can all at least agree on is the fact that hamburgers are not a ballpark food, it's a sin to eat a burger at a baseball game.
The Orioles unveiled a new burger last week, "The Warehouse Burger", and it looks like it would take an hour to eat. It's got everything you'd want on it, double patties, queso, fried onions, pickle de galo, more cheese, plus whistle sauce. It's a handful, literally. That reason right there is why burgers are not a ballpark food. Hotdogs are the essential baseball meal. Chicken tenders are a close 2nd but the hot dog is and always will be king. Why? Well because you can eat it with one hand or on the go. Look at this monster, you can't eat that in a seat. Imagine trying to scoot by someone with a full meal in their lap, it's insane. Foul ball comes your way and you've got this Warehouse Burger halfway down your gullet, what's your move? Queso on your hands while an Gunnar foul ball is headed your way, whats your play? Simply put, burgers shouldn't be sold at baseball games and if you're eating one at a game you midas whale pack it up and go home. That's a slap in the face to the great game of baseball. You eat a hot dog with ketchup and mustard on it, or chicken tenders, or peanuts. Not a burger. Just isn't a stadium food.
If you have to hold it with two hands (check out last week's SOABD podcast) than it's not a baseball food. Eating with one hand should be a prerequisite for the food sold around the country. How else are you going to make Top 10 by making a one handed catch? Or drink your drink?
Look at this bullshit sandwich in Kansas City. How do you eat this in a quick and non messy way? You can't. This is a sandwich you need to enjoy in the company of your own home, not with 45,000 of your closest friends. Onions rings falling all over the place, brisket sliding off the bun, cheese melting into your lap. It's a disaster.
These baseball games aren't running 3 hours anymore, not even going to sniff a game 3 and a half hours, you have to get your food and go. We don't have time to eat this double decker powdered donut chicken sandwich for $49.99. It's not realistic anymore, no one wants to sit next to the guy eating this either. Either munch on it in a suite or on club level but if you're a plain Jane baseball fan and just trying to watch 9 innings with the guys you stick with a hot dog and popcorn. Control the meal with 1 hand and keep it moving, not a burger or sandwich that looks like it was made in Scooby Doo. I'll flat out say it, I judge you if you eat a burger at a game. I scoff when I see it on the menu, I flat out know I'm better than you if I see you eating one. Tenders, dog, cotton candy, popcorn, anything but a sandwich. I wish these teams and food companies would think with their brains, no one wants the mega stuffed burger with everything on top, just grill the dog up nice and hot, toast the bun and let me go to town on it.
So remember that for the next go you go to, people will be watching you if you're eating one of these Frankenstein burgers, or just a burger in general. Clean it up when you're at the ballgame. Don't overthink it either, just run the ball and get the dog.