The Annual NFL Head Coaches Picture Has Arrived, Special INSIDE Edition
It's that time of the year. Your bracket is dead, Masters commercials are hitting like crack, baseball has begun but most importantly, the NFL has trotted out all their current Head Coaches for an awkward picture at the annual owners meeting in Florida. Now usually this day is one of my favorite of the entire year. Ive been writing this blog now for TWELVE years. To put that in perspective, If this blog were a kid they'd be in the 7th grade and have a Tik Tok page reviewing food or going to Costco Booming and Dooming random items on their way to millions. There have been many copycats along the way but I've stayed committed to breaking down this picture every single year for over a decade.
But this year is different? Why? Because normally as is tradition they make the Coaches stand/sit in the hot sun uncomfortably close to one another as they try not to squint or shit themselves. But this year due to that old bitch mother nature the coaches were forced to take the picture INSIDE. Never been done. A random ballroom full of the smartest NFL minds in the game and Todd Bowles. So this year will be different but Tradition is Tradition and I hope I'm doing this blog when I'm 70 years old and long since retired from the game. There's also a chance I'll be 70 years old, lost all my money gambling, and Dave hires me back on one of the ambassador contracts where I just show up a couple of times a year so that I can still pay rent. Either way, let's do it.
"Loses One Super Bow And Immediately Ditches The Shorts" Award - Andy Reid
For reference this was Andy last year fresh off Back to Back Lombardis
When I heard that the picture was taken indoors my instant thought was bad weather may mean Andy reid goes pants and lo and behold here we are, Andy not letting the legs fly for the boys. Tragic. I also think this has to do with his brains being beat in in the Super Bowl. Shorts are for the beach, shorts are for children, shorts aren't for 30 point blow outs in the Supey. If you're a Chiefs fan this is good news. Andy is going back to the basics, self scouting what went wrong and rebuilding everything. I'm happy he kept the Hawaiin on because otherwise I wouldn't know its the offseason. Every year when the season ends I imagine Andy Reid goes into his basement where he has a Library of Congress worth of Hawaiin shirts and pulls them out with a deep sigh and loud fart, party time.
Sidenote, I don't think Andy Reid has ever turned his ankle in his life. Look at those those things. As sturdy as sturdy gets. If that Baltimore bridge that collapsed last year was reinforced with Andy Reids ankles instead of steel it would still be standing today.
The Wins A Super Bowl And You Can Wear Whatever The Fuck You Want Award - Nick Sirianni
This all but confirms what I said about Andy Reid. When you're at the top of the mountain you can do whatever you want. The bare minimum in dressing up. Most golf courses would turn Nick Sirianni away. He's the guy who when his wife says dress nice for dinner tonight, he comes out looking like this and gets side eye for the entire evening, doesn't get laid but is happy as fuck being comfortable watching the game after dinner in his recliner. I mean its even clear he tried to take the picture with his hat on at first and then was asked to put it down in between his feet. The only thing is he now has a Lombardi so he can wear whatever the fuck he wants. Those are the rules.
The Maybe If I Stand All The Way Off To The Side And Wear What A Coach Wears On The Sideline People Won't Notice That I Wasn't Fired Award - Brian Daboll
Poor Brian Daboll. He definitely tried to take a shit during the photo while everyone lined up hoping they would just take it without him. This picture is the moment a lot of NFL fans say "Oh shit that's right, Brian Daboll didn't get fired last year", which is never a spot you want to be in. I also love that Brian Daboll looks like he might be wearing some team issued gear, a nice subtle reminder to everyone that sees him that he is in fact still employed. Genius strategy really, you can't fire a guy who looks like a coach. Someday they'll make Dabs hand over his team issued Q Zips like a Cop handing in his badge and that will be a sad sad day.
Something Was Said Before The Picture So We Had Pete Carroll Sit In Between Us Award - Jim And John Harbaugh
I don't know what was said, I just know something was said before the picture. Only explanation for Pete Carroll breaking up the Harbaughs. If I had to guess it was something like "remember when I was 5 and you were 7 and I could do more push ups than you and that's why Mom has always loved me more and Dad secretly thinks you're a pussy". This is the only explanation I'm using in my head because the alternate story here is that Pete Carroll wanted to remind everyone that Pete Carroll is coaching again and what better way to do that than to split up the Harbaughs. Hope you weren't a dick, Pete. Hope it was just Jim and John almost wrestling in the ballroom 3 seconds before the picture was taken.
The I Really Have To Win A Super Bowl Because Everyone Keeps Asking Me If I'm Doing Good And I Say Yes But My Thousand Yard Stare Says No - Kyle Shanahan
Oh now there's rumors that Brandon Aiyuk might be traded and Christian McCaffrey tweaked his ankle at the beach? Cool, Cool.
Kyle Shanahan looks like he's been living on a remote island trying to find himself for the past 2 months. Little sunburn, beard growing out and grey, contemplating what life even means anyway.
Hey Kyle, tough year, you doing ok?
Yeah man, I'm fine.
The Dominating That Snake (Steven Cheah's Words Not Mine) With Body Posture Award - Todd Bowles
We all know what happened with Liam Coen and the Bucs in the offseason so if you didn't think Todd Bowles was going to dominate him with the chest out, shoulders wide, stance you were very wrong. It's subtle but its there. Liam Coen forced to go arms behind his back like a cuck while Todd looks like he could bench 400 pounds right now. That's how you flex, Todd. I'm counting this as a preseason win because they're not actually playing this year in the preseason even though Steven Cheah said the Bucs would get their revenge in the PRESEASON.
"Do you think those guys saw me say DUUUUUVALLLL? I hope no one brings it up even though I want to say DUUUUVALLLL so bad right now"
The Super Active In The Community And Church But Also May Be A Swinger Award? - Kellen Moore
Something about Kellen Moore's face and his short sleeve shirt that gives the vibe of a dude living in one of those Disney communities outside of Orlando. He's a beacon in the community, church every weekend, but also there may be a pineapple in his front yard and if you ask the right question you can get invited to the monthly suck and fuck party in his basement. Hypothetically speaking of course.
My Only Nice Shirt Is The Shirt I Wear On Easter So That's What I'm Wearing To The Coach's Picture - Kevin Stefanski
Pink was a bold choice but Stefanski is pulling it off. Could I say something like we may need to hit the bench or do some push ups in the offseason because the right tit is sagging a little? I could but I won't because I like Kevin Stefanski and I'm a good guy. Credit to me for not saying that. Otherwise thats a great fit from Coach Stefanski. Only guy in the picture who went out of the box with a color that pops. Bold choice and it worked.
The This Must Be Brian Schottenheimer Because People Forget Brian Schottenheimer Is The Coach Of The Cowboys Now And If I Had To Guess Who Brian Schottenheimer Is It Would Be This Guy - Brian Schottenheimer
Yup, that's gotta be Brian Schottenheimer, right? 99 percent sure.
The What Is Bro Looking At Award - Brian Callahan
Brian. What's happening here? I know it was a tough first year in the NFL and I believe in you and the Callahan name to turn it around. But the rebuild starts with this picture and you're just flat out not looking anywhere close to where you're supposed to be looking. Needed the photographer to do the thing when you take family pictures with young children and they rattle some toy behind the camera, only instead of a toy it's just a video of Cam Ward throwing the ball 70 yards. Then maybe we'd get some solid eye contact here from Brian. Wake up Coach, you've got the Number 1 pick in a month.
The Scary Dad On The Block Who Drives A Motorcycle Has 4 Smoking Hot Daughters And Will Break Your Hand With A Handshake - Dan Quinn
You know the guy I'm talking about. His wife is hot, his daughters are hot, he even has an extremely well trained dog (also a female) that he walks around the block without a leash but it never leaves his side. You don't fuck with this guy. He shows up to all school functions sits in the back and doesn't say a word to anyone while also commanding the maximum amount of respect. Every weekend he's in his driveway hand washing his vintage cars and motorcycle. They aren't even dirty but he's hand washing them again. If something is broken in your house, Dan Quinn will come over and fix it free of charge just so he can be around another male for a few minutes. If you're lucky he may tell you the story of when he bounced in his 20's and beat up 6 dudes at once. You pay him in a single ice cold beer and that's the best moment of his week. Don't shake his hand though unless you want a couple of broken fingers.
The I'm About To Fuck The League Up With My Offensive Plays And Everyone Here Knows It Award - Ben Johnson
Look at that Smirk. That's my coach. He fucking knows his brain is so big and strong and its going to fuck everyone else up. Aura.
The Hot Boy Crew Award - Matt LaFleur, Dave Canales, Sean McVay, Demeco Ryans
Look I'm secure enough in my masculinity to admit that these guys are Hot. They are. Not just sitting in a ballroom with a bunch of Coach's hot, they're tip of the spear hottest dude in their friend group hot. They're so hot I won't even say the thing I didn't say about Stefanski applies to LaFleur and it wouldn't kill him to do a few push ups to get rid of the breast sag, which all things considered is really hot.
My only issue is that this is the direction the league is going. All 4 guys are very good football coaches but I don't want the whole league to become a hot guy club. Like think about what we had just a few years ago. This guy isn't even the same species as the hot guy crew.
Or the human fart Mike McCarthy (RIP in the Coach's picture Hall of Fame)
The Big And Tall Longest Polo In The History Of Polos Award - Dan Campbell
I don't know why but I keep imagining Dan Campbell's polo going all the way down to his shins. That thing is MASSIVE. And there was zero chance it was getting tucked in too. Dan Campbell is such an alpha he's wearing a dress and just daring anyone to talk shit to him. Guys like Dan Campbell don't give a shit about fashion. He doesn't even shop. Just whatever shirt is clean in his closet he puts it on no matter how large it is.
The Deloitte Regional Vice President That Is The Nicest Guy You Know But Will Kick Your Ass In Golf Award - Zac Taylor
This is an A1 guy everyone knows. Had a retirement strategy at 22. Maxes out his 401k. Self reports himself to the IRS just because he wants to make sure he did everything correctly this tax season and if you see him on the golf course he will absolutely skull fuck you in the nicest way possible. No trash talk, no boisterous celebrations. Respects the game so much he would never golf again before he committed a rules violation. Ask him for investment tips and he'll give you the safest thing possible that gives you a solid 5 percent return year over year. Not funny, never intentionally made a joke in his life, no remarkable personality, and the last time he was really drunk was 20 years ago at a bachelor party in Vegas where he lost 150 dollars on the blackjack table and told his wife he accidentally cheated on her even though all he did was get a single lap dance with no touching. Solid dude right there.
The He's Definitely Thinking About What His Strategy Would Be If This Plane/Room Got Highjacked - Sean McDermott
Always be ready, Sean. Another 9-11 happens when we get too comfortable.
The Wearing His Favorite Party Shirt Award - Mike Vrabel
I know a party shirt when I see a party shirt and that's Mike Vrabel's party shirt. He puts that thing on and it's a big flashing sign that says I'm ready to party. Slightly oversized for when you've had 10-12 beers and start to feel uncomfortable. Room to unbutton a button or two and roll up the sleeves when the drinking gets serious. Everyone has their favorite party shirt, this just happens to be Mike Vrabel's. It's versatile too. Can go on a cruise, be at a casino, a bar, anywhere theres a party Mike Vrabel's party shirt will be there.
The Talk To Him Long Enough And He'll Tell You How Much Money He Made In Crypto And Bored Apes Award - Mike McDaniel
Credit to Mike McDaniel he takes coaching in Miami seriously. So seriously he's fully morphed into every crypto influencer who lives in South Florida (for the taxes). I don't even know what that jacket is. I don't think Ive ever been in the same room with a jacket like that. Is it a woman's jacket? Is Mike McDaniel slowly hitting his ambiguous lesbian phase? Maybe. But it's fashionable in some circles, circles I never want to be in. Mike McDaniel is definitely the only guy who made money off $JailStool.
Wrapping Up The Rest With Quick Hitters
Way Too Confident To Be Wearing Just A T Shirt After Giving Sam Darnold 100 Million Dollars - Mike Macdonald
I'm Wearing A T Shirt Because Ive Spent The Last Month Trying To Get Aaron Rodgers To Be My Quarterback And I'm Tired - Mike Tomlin
I Can't Believe That Mintzy Guy Told Everyone I Was His Best Friend During Super Bowl Week - Sean Payton
Aaron Glenn - Aaron Glenn
Kevin O'Connell Doesn't Get Enough Credit For Being Built Like A Brick Shithouse When People Bring Up The Hypothetical Of Coaches Fighting In A Royal Rumble - Kevin O'Connell
Losing His Hair Because Anthony Richardson Is His Quarterback - Shane Steichen
Thinking About Shots And Explosives Pew Pew Pew - Jonathan Gannon
Okay another year in the books. Lets get these guys back outside next year. It definitely doesn't hit the same when they're in a sterile environment like this. I'd rather them sit in a monsoon than be stuck back inside.
-Big Cat