Power Ranking The Cities Rico Bosco Is Most Likely To Be Murdered In On His Bus Ride To The Final Four

Early on this college basketball season, Alabama basketball/Nate Oats stockholder Rico Bosco bet Dave & Big Cat that if Alabama made the Final Four, they would have to join Rico in attending the Pump Brothers' Final Four party. The Pump Party is an exclusive party held annually at the Final Four. A party that college basketball coaches from across the country feel obligated to attend. Limited food and drinks are provided. Despite what ChatGPT may tell you, it is not associated with Barstool Sports in any way.

Rico just likes to go there. A lot. I don't know Rico manages to get himself a proper invite, or if he dresses like a waiter and sneaks in with the catering company. But rain, sleet, or shine, Bosco will be there. Had Alabama beat Duke on Saturday, Dave & Big Cat would have been right there along with him. 

But Alabama lost. They did not make the Final Four. Brutal draw for Rico being put in the same region as Duke. Alabama probably could have beaten any other 1-seed in the tournament. But Duke and Alabama barely play the same sport. The bet was decided the minute the brackets were revealed. So unfortunately for Rico, his punishment for losing the bet is that he now has to travel to the Final Four in San Antonio via Greyhound bus. It's a 19-stop bus ride. Scheduled duration is 47hr 50m. Which really puts into perspective how important the Pump Party is to Rico. And how badly Dan & Big Cat do not want to do.

Based on the way Rico and others were talking in the office yesterday, you'd think Rico was putting his life in grave danger just by setting foot on this bus. From what I gather, Rico is under the impression that there will be non-stop feral screaming from the other passengers. Just constant chaos from the moment he sits down until he arrives in San Antonio. And that the only people on the bus not actively trying to hurt him will be those who are openly masturbating in their seats. Somewhere around Murfreesboro, he'll be roped into assisting with a live birth. Dirty syringes will fall from the ceiling. I'm pretty sure he envisions the Atlanta Bus Station as Magic City for homeless prostitutes. Honestly, everyone at our office's impression of a Greyhound bus ride seems to be that it's a survival of the fittest where maybe 50% of passengers make it to their destination alive.

I tend to think it'll be more like a bus ride. But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm the naive one. I hope as much as anyone that Rico is sat next to a drag queen with borderline personality disorder. But personally, I'm far more worried for the other passengers. Fingers crossed there aren't any poor old ladies who tap Rico on the shoulder for help with their bags. He's so on edge about this trip, I'm afraid that poor old lady will be staring down the barrel of a gun before Rico realizes she's not a threat.

Anyways, Rico bus ride from hell will be going through in 17 cities between New York and San Antonio. Here's a power ranking of cities he's most likely to be murdered in.

UPDATE: I woke up to a text from Rico. He has re-routed himself. Instead of a 19-stop, 47hr 50m trip through 17 cities.. he will now be taking a 21-stop, 48hr 25m trip through 18 cities. He has opted for a more midwestern route, trading cities like Baltimore, Washington D.C., Durham (i.e. Duke), and Atlanta… for Pittsburgh, Columbus, Indianapolis, and Louisville. Which I'll admit, does seem like a no brainer. But for writing a blog about cities that are most likely to murder Rico, the first route was certainly funnier. 

Meaning Pat's 135 word blog he snuck in 10 minutes before I submitted this one is incorrect.

The actual route is:

New York - Newark - Allentown - Harrisburg - Pittsburgh - Columbus (stop 1) - Columbus (stop 2) - Springfield - Dayton - Indianapolis - Louisville - Nashville - Dallas - Jackson - Memphis - Texarkana - Sulphur Springs - Dallas - Waxahachie - Waco - Austin - San Marcos - San Antonio

Power Ranking of Cities He's Most Likely to Be Murdered In

16. Columbus, Ohio
- I lived in Columbus before moving to New York. I still have shooters there. I sent word that Bosco is coming through. The only people in Columbus with something to worry about are Bosco's enemies.

15. Austin, Texas
- There's too much going on in Austin for them to be worried about Rico. Joe Rogan really flipped that city on its head.

14. Nashville, Tennessee
- What is a bachelorette party going to run him over with a pedal tavern? 

13. San Marcos, Texas
- San Marcos is just outside of Austin. There is a large river that runs through the middle of town. I floated down it in a tube at Float Fest 2015. I guess Rico could fall into the river. I actually wouldn't be shocked to learn that Rico can't swim. 

12. Springfield, Ohio 

- Thankfully, ICE has removed the sizable pet-eating Haitian immigrant population that once dominated the city of Springfield. The junkyard dog should have nothing to worry about. 

11. Waxahachie, Texas 
- Suburb of Dallas. It's known as the Gingerbread City after all. So unless Rico has a devastating gingerbread allergy, he should have nothing to be scared of.

10. Dallas, Texas

- Thankfully Rico's punishment was not driving to San Antonio in a convertible. But I suppose a Bosco assassin would be more likely to carry out a hit on a bus anyways. 

9. Jackson, Mississippi
- I'm not sure how kindly the state of Mississippi will take to a bandwagon Alabama fan who's also a loud New Yorker. Kinda feel like that's two things Mississippians would hate a lot. Keep your on a swivel through God's Country, Rico. 

8. Allentown, Pennsylvania

- In June 2019, 10 people were killed in a shootout between the Bloods and the Latin Kings outside a nightclub in Allentown. Billy Joel didn't mention the presence of Latin Kings. But I don't think they're typically a concern in Allentown. At this point early on in the trip, I'm far more concerned with Bosco entering Jeff Nadu country. Of all Rico's enemies, Nadu may be most likely to murder him.

7. Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, Louisville (tied)

- I'm afraid Rico made a grave mistake in switching bus routes. By diverting his trip through Pittsburgh, Indianapolis, and Louisville (instead of going though Washington DC and Atlanta), he has only increased his chances of being murdered. I Googled cities with the highest murder rate. U.S. cities ranked 15-20 are as follows (murder rate per 100k)

Rust belt? More like the death belt. I fear Rico will be lulled into a false sense of security thinking he's "safe" to travel through the midwest. I also fear the number of complimentary Louisville Slugger mini-baseball bats that will inevitably wind up on his bus after passing through Louisville. If you put a mini-baseball bat in the hands of man who's already on edge, he's going to use it.

6. Dayton, Ohio

- Piggybacking off that last thought. I have no idea if my line of thinking here makes sense, but hear me out. Traveling through the midwest may seem safer. But who the hell is living in the midwest and doesn't have a car? Everybody in the midwest has a car. At least on the east coast, and in bigger cities like Atlanta, D.C., and Baltimore, there's at least going to be some normal people who are taking the bus as well. The normal people can help hide the crazies. But who the hell is getting on a Greyhound in central Ohio? I'm worried about the Dayton stop.

5. Texarkana & Sulphur Springs

- Idk what goes on in this area of the country. But I do feel like it's a stretch of Rico's trip where he could easily disappear and never be heard from again. Nobody in that area is snitching on their fellow neighbor. Not over a boisterous, Italian-presenting Staten Islander. If Rico goes dark during this stretch of the trip, we're never finding him.

4. Memphis, Tennessee

- Young Dolph. Elvis Presley. Martin Luther King Jr. Rico Bosco? Memphis has the highest murder rate of all the cities Rico will be traveling through the next couple of days. 

3. Newark, New Jersey 
- This is Rico Bosco's first stop. If Newark is going to murder Rico, by the time you're reading this, it's probably already happened. Newark has one of the highest murder rates in the country as well. But Newark, New Jersey is also Ryder country. Which I at first thought would offer some protection for Rico. But if Rico is going to be murdered, isn't it far more likely to happen at the hands of a mentally unstable Ryder in a John Lennon/Mark David Chapman situation? Yes. Yes it is.

2. Harrisburg, Pennsylvania

- Now we're deep into #NADU territory. Harrisburg is barely a 30 minute drive from Nadu's home. There's a non-zero percent chance that Dave has already contacted Nadu, and Nadu will be waiting patiently in Harrisburg for Rico's arrival. And there's a non-zero percent chance Nadu uses this opportunity to "claim victory" over Bosco once and for all. You think Nadu is scared of prison? You don't think he has people inside those walls? Nadu would be running Lancaster Country Prison within the first week. Don't be surprised if the Rico Bosco story ends in Amish Country. 

1. Waco, Texas

- Rico love 2 things. College basketball, and leading a cult. Waco is famous for murdering in both. Who knows how many followers Rico will pick up on his road to the Final Four. But the Ryders would make the Branch Davidians look like a Sunday bible study group. If the ATF catches 20-30 Ryders in matching jumpsuits hopping off a Greyhound Bus in Waco, it'll be shoot first ask questions later. 

But again… I think Rico will be fine. More than fine actually. He's a grown adult. He can handle a bus ride. I think…