Thoughts & Prayers To Ken: In Recognition Of His Positive Impact On Culture, Style, And Community, LeBron James Has Been Made Into A Barbie

That's how you know you've made it folks. Once you've been Barbiefied, there's really nothing left to accomplish. To become a Barbie is to join an exclusive club. A club reserved for only the most important, most influential humans our country... scratch that... our planet has to offer. Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, The Royal Family, Rosa Parks, Laverne Cox, others. Only the biggest movers and shakers about society are rewarded with a Mattel branded plastic replica of themselves.  And finally, at the ripe age 40 years old, with 22 seasons, 21 all-star selections, 4 championships, 4 MVP's, 4 finals MVP's, 40,000+ points, and 1 son forced into the league at gun point under his belt... LeBron James finally joins that list. 

The only problem with becoming a Barbie is that now LeBron James has thousands upon thousands of plastic versions of himself that don't have a penis. I think. I've never owned a Barbie myself. Anybody who tells you I did is a liar. I played with trucks. But that's the whole thing with Barbies right? You take off their pants and they're all smooth down there. Any minute now somebody who's got their hands on a LeBarbie is going to tweet out a picture of no-penis LeBron. No-penis LeBron is gonna go viral. It's only a matter of time. 

Additionally (unless I'm missing someone with my Googling), LeBron appears to be the first ever black male celebrity to have a Barbie made in his likeness. Which has to be huge news for the girl Barbies of the world. And devastating news for Ken.  I guess considering all their crotches are equally smooth, maybe he still has a fighting chance. But I gotta think LeBron still has a good inch on him height wise. His facial hair is perfectly manicured. He's wearing his finest generic varsity jacket and self-branded shoes. And look at those eyes on Barbie LeBron. They're downright stunning. Is he wearing mascara? It's like they're piecing directly into my heart. God Ken is so fucked. As vain as Barbie is, Ken doesn't stand a chance. 

Congratulations on the Barbie LeBron. You've finally made it.