Trump Signs an EO Ending the Mandate on Low Flow Showerheads, So He Can 'Take Care of My Beautiful Hair'

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In times like these, when a people are split along ideological lines, division is the order of the day, chaos reigns and mass protests are being organized everywhere, it's important to find an issue everyone can agree one. One universal experience. A common cause that affects all of us, to remind us of our shared humanity. Something to bring us together.

Say what you will about Trump. That is your right as an American. Which I will defend with one of our lives. Possibly even mine. But he may have just found that great social movement we can all rally around. To bring the "United" back to "United States." 

The noble, glorious, dare I say even sacred, shower:

NY Post - President Trump signed an executive order Wednesday targeting water pressure regulations implemented by former Presidents Joe Biden and Barack Obama, touting that the action will make “America’s Showers Great Again” — and keep his signature blond hair “beautiful.”

“Overregulation chokes the American economy and stifles personal freedom. A small but meaningful example is the Obama-Biden war on showers,” Trump wrote in the executive order.

 

The president’s order scraps “multi-thousand-word regulations defining the word ‘showerhead’”. …

“To the extent any definition is necessary for this common piece of hardware, the Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘showerhead’ in one short sentence,” Trump noted. …

“In my case, I like to take a nice shower, take care of my beautiful hair,” Trump said while signing the order. 

“I have to stand in the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet. Comes out drip, drip, drip. It’s ridiculous.” …

“The Order frees Americans from excessive regulations that turned a basic household item into a bureaucratic nightmare,” the statement continued. “No longer will showerheads be weak and worthless.” 

To be clear, I'm not telling you whom to support or how to vote. The two people I brought into this world don't take their lead from me, why should anyone? But here is a cause we should all be able to get behind. 

What was the whole point of declaring independence from a tyrannical king if we're just going to be forced to take showers with the stream of an old man with an enlarged prostate? Those men who charged up San Juan Hill, into the lines at Belleau Wood, or up the slopes of Mt. Siribachi were the furthest thing from "weak and worthless." There's no reason the showerheads of the future generations of Americans they fought for should be. 

And let us never forget the losses Jerry, Kramer, Elaine and Newman suffered in the first battles of this holy war:

I'm a believer in the theory that history has way of putting just the right person in the right place at the right time. In this case, it's a narcissistic, ego maniacal Manhattan billionaire with a preposterous head of hair he's supremely proud of. It took him coming down that golden escalator a decade ago, surviving countless legal battles and a couple of assassination attempts to get back into the seat of power. History putting this unusually coiffed real estate developer behind the Resolute Desk at exactly the right moment to solve this problem once and for all. For the benefit of his totally unique lettuce, to be sure. But in this case, when the President's 'do wins, we all win.