Sperm Racing Is Officially A Sport! Next Week Thousands Of People Will Gather For a Sperm Race Between USC & UCLA At The L.A. Palladium

TMZ - Eric Zhu and his Sperm Racing startup crew broke it down on "TMZ Live" Wednesday, telling us sperm is a key biomarker for male health, so they've turned 2 young donors -- one from UCLA and the other from USC -- into full-blown sperm-athletes, giving them thousands of dollars per week to help them fine-tune their swimmers for race day glory.

The tech teen dream team’s swimming in strategy -- giving us every juicy detail of the donors’ prep, from tailor-made vitamins to pineapple-juice chugging. This isn’t a half-baked stunt -- it’s a well-seeded plan.

It's a good idea. People will watch anything race. Horses, dogs, turtles, hermit crabs, cars, cars with big tires, cars with even bigger tires, people, people dressed as giant sausages around a baseball diamond. 

We'll race anything. We'll even race our babies. Baby racing is all the rage nowadays at halftimes of basketball games. Parents are just plopping their kids on the wood and telling them to crawl. 

That can't feel good on the knees. But with the success of baby racing, it was only a matter of time before we got even younger. As young as humanly possible. So young, some people might say it's not even human. Most people would say that I think. Unless you're like… really nuts. Like boycotting the funerals of dead veterans nuts. But I digress. Sperm racing is here. Next Friday night at the LA Palladium, 4,000 people will gather to watch the spermatozoon (scientific word for a single sperm look it up) of two healthy young men race through a makeshift Fallopian tube. Two sperm will enter. None will come out. But one will be declared the winner.

These are smart kids. They know exactly what they're doing. Sperm Racing is the perfect 2025 viral internet product. They came up with the smuttiest, clickbaitiest, most brain rot of an idea that's guaranteed to drum up a monetizable amount of attention through cheap clicks alone. But on top of that, they've managed to package it in a way that makes them champions of public health. This isn't just bunch of smart shithead students making an elaborate cum joke. They're not just wasting their time and talent on a toilet humor-level invention to make a quick buck. Male fertility is declining at an alarming rate. The average sperm count of men has dropped over 50% in the last 50 years. But these brave students are doing something about it. When thousands gather in the LA Palladium to watch Tristan from USC, and Asher from UCLA (who are straight out of Central Casting for an LA-based sperm racing competition).

When they watch the sperm of these freshly permed gentlemen swimming neck-and-neck down towards a simulated egg, they'll think to themselves, "Wow. Tristan and Asher rock. I'm going to take my fertility seriously so I can be just like them."

I like these guys. Not Tristan & Asher. The sperm scientist kids. Not only are they on the front lines of the war on declining birth rates. But I like that when they went on TMZ for their sperm race interview, they had a guy in a lab coat walking around behind them with a giant turkey baster-looking instrument just moving loads from jar to jar.

Somebody has gotta do it. Somebody has to test the cum. Considering the whole declining fertility rate problem, this probably not the worst time to get into the sperm business either. Scientists are speculating that the global population may even start to decline as soon as the 2050's. If that's true, it's only a matter of time before we start seeing PSA's for male fertility. These kids are getting in on the ground floor. And as part of their research, if they can invent a whole new wacky zany sport to make a little money, that's a not a bad little situation they got goin for themselves. These three little shits are gonna get rich as fuck off sperm someday. 

Now if only they can find a way to make them fight. If they can figure that out, Dana White will hand these boys a blank check. Imagine hosting a 64-sperm fighting tournament using the sperm of the healthiest, most athletic men in the world. The grand prize is getting to fertilize an egg (i.e. the grand prize is life). That would be crazy. When you'd grow up you'd have people coming up to you like, "I remember when you were just a single sperm fighting gladiator style in the Las Vegas Sphere."

Science, man…Although I imagine if that happened, the Westboro Baptist Church would come out in full force. They might already be mobilizing for the race next Friday. I know somebody is cooking up a think piece about how sperm racing is murder. That seems like the logical next thing to happen here.