Captain Cons Is STILL Saying That He Could Beat Me In A One Mile Race
By now, the entirety of the Western world has seen my heroic BEAT DOWN of Captain Cons in the Great Run Off of 2025, but in case you're living under a gigantic moon-sized rock, here's a condensed version of the day:
And in case you aren't into watching two fully semi-functioning adult males come to blows about who can run an arbitrary distance faster while arguing about one's past military service (or EXTREME lack-there-of (in Cons' case, not mine)) then here's a brief TL/DR of how that monumental day came to be.
It went something like this:
Cons came at me on the Snake draft about being short, ugly, overweight" and bald:
Notice I didn't take exception to being called short or ugly. Calling me short and ugly is as true as saying 2+2=4. What I DID take exception to was being called "overweight".
Somewhere around late 2020 I diagnosed myself with "early onset Republican" aka I indoctrinated myself with the MAHA movement. I eat so, so much cleaner than I used to. I also own both a peloton bike and tread that I use 4-5x a week religiously. And when I say "religiously" I mean I'm running/biking so hard for 20-30 min spurts that I puke after completing them every so often.
THAT'S where the challenge came from. I'm not overweight or out of shape. I'm actually in really good shape. The best shape of my life. I actually wrote a blog about it titled, "How To Lose Weight The Half Assed Way". You can read that here. Since I've published this blog I've also taking it up a notch by measuring my VO2 max levels, counting my macros, and stretching a SHIT TON:
Highly recommend. I wake up and feel limber and fresh every single day. Do yourself a favor and get rid of soda, chips, seed oils, processed shit, and all of the other poison you put into your body. You'll thank me one day.
I digress - It's actually Connor who's overweight and out of shape. Look at this guy!
He looks like a skinned Russet potato about to plop into a pot of boiling water.
Anyways, I went on Connor's new podcast this week to discuss Pete Hegseth's Signal leaks, Nancy Mace' grocery store melt down, forever wars in the middle east, and more. Piping hot stuff. But in the midst of it that DOOFUS said he was hungover on the day of the Great Run Off of 2025
To that I responded I'd meet him at his place and race him again next week, as I am taking my beautiful GF to Italy and have a layover in NYC on the way home. Like I'd literally get off the plane, uber to his house, beat his ass + humiliate him again, get on the plane and get home to Chicago.
He turned it down. Because of course he did. It doesn't matter that he's gonna be in Michigan like he claims, he wouldn't have accepted if he had ZILCH going on, and it's because he's scared. Scared of getting dummied by the dummy. Again.
PS - there were plenty of people getting on me about getting on Cons for his military service and then saying "I almost joined too!" as if it's an "I have a black friend so I can't be racist!" type of argument…it's not that. At all. Detailing all my family in the military, including my sister who's active in Germany as we speak, plus my trips to Bastogne, Verdun, Hagenau, etc. was my way of saying I go out of my way to pay homage to "the troops". Like…there's not many better ways to pay homage to those who paid the ultimate price to defend our freedom than to visit Normandy, Arlington National Cemetery, Bunker Hill, etc. to saying "thank you" to them. I wasn't disrespecting the troops. I was busting the balls of ONE troop. Captain Cons.