5 Things That Make Me Feel Like A Man

I smoked my first joint in over six months on Sunday, and it was the worst decision of my life. It reminded me exactly why I stopped smoking. I was paranoid, anxious, and couldn’t get the evil voice inside my head to shut up. The more I kept scrolling on my phone, the worse it got. So I threw my phone on the bed, went to the living room, and decided I needed to watch something that required zero brainpower and would put me at ease.

And for me, that was The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. It brings me back to a simpler time, and honestly, it’s one of those shows that gets funnier as you get older. So I sat my ass down on the couch, threw on the movie, and when the “Now That We’re Men” scene came on, I couldn’t stop laughing. A lot of the things they thought made them men were stupid, but in a strange way, accurate.

So I decided to name five weird things that make me feel like a man.

5. Wiping My Pee Off the Toilet Seat

We’ve all been there. I don’t care who you are, if you say you lift the seat every single time you pee, you’re lying. It doesn’t make you more of a man to lift it first. But when you miss? It does make you a man when you clean it up.

Boys will let it sit there and dry into the toilet seat. A man? He cleans it up.

4. Talking About How You Could've Gone Pro

My man card would be revoked if I didn’t include this. Talking ball is the bare minimum for becoming a dude, but you’re not truly a man until you start reminiscing about all the reasons you didn’t go pro, but totally could have.

Think about it, if you’re still talking about going pro and haven’t gone pro, that means you’re at an age where it’s no longer possible. You’re living in the past. Meaning? You’re a man now. You’ve got a job. You’re not playing ball, you’re clocking in.

3. Grilling

The first thing that pops into my head when I hear the word man is a dude wearing those white old-man Nikes, looking over his shoulder and asking, “How do you like your burger cooked?”

There’s nothing more man than being the guy on the grill.

2. People Asking You to Open Things

I don’t know if this is scientifically possible, but if I could measure my testosterone at the moment a woman asks me to open something for her, I swear it would spike to the same level it hits right before I bust.

There’s just something about opening that stubborn pickle jar for a fit bird that makes you feel like the man.

1. Nutting

This is the clear-cut number one. No doubt about it. You literally have to be a man to nut.

And honestly? It’s like a reward for all the work you just put in. If you ain’t nutting, you ain’t a man.