Kim Jong Un is Opening a Beach Resort to Bolster North Korea's Tourism Industry

KCNA. Shutterstock Images.

BBC – North Korea is opening a beach resort that its leader Kim Jong Un hopes will boost tourism in the secretive communist regime, state media reports.

Wonsan Kalma on the east coast will open to domestic tourists on 1 July, six years after it was due to be completed. It is unclear when it will welcome foreigners.

Kim grew up in luxury in Wonsan, where many of the country's elite have private villas, and has been trying to transform the town, which once hosted a missile testing site.

State media KCNA claims the resort can accomodate up to 20,000 visitors, occupying a 4km (2.5 mile) stretch of beach, with hotels, restaurants, shopping malls and a water park - none of which can be verified.

I know the beautiful Wonsan Kalma resort on North Korea's idyllic eastern shores is not yet open to foreign tourists, but I like to think this brand new North Korean beach resort puts me a little bit closer to fulfilling what I just remembered is my lifelong dream of visiting North Korea one day. The place fascinates me. In a morbid way. Like the way prisons do. I don't actually want to go to prison, but I'm deeply curious to know what it's like to live in one for a year. With North Korea, what I'd really want to do is be a fly on the wall in the worst, most oppressed, most Supreme-Leader-shoved-down-your-throat-while-your-family-is-sharing-a-rat-for-dinner parts of the country. But a bullshit beach resort specifically designed to make tourists believe their country isn't a literal hell on earth for its citizens is a good first step. 

I wouldn't say my hopes are necessarily high for the quality of the Wonsan Kalma resort. The ocean water looks almost black. North Korea is not a warm place whatsoever. Brittanica says the average temperature in July is only in the upper 60's. The fact that they refer to it as a "tourist zone" doesn't sound all that relaxing. The closeness, and the orderliness of the beach umbrellas is a bit off-putting. There's really nothing at all about that overhead shot of North Korea's beach resort that looks appealing in the slightest. But I'm told they have a waterpark. I'm excited about the waterpark. And I don't know a single thing about it other than what I've seen in this one picture of Kim Jong Un looking fondly upon one of the most fun looking waterslides I've ever seen.

They don't have waterslides that give you air like that in America. Well maybe they do somewhere. I guess they almost certainly do somewhere. But in the United States, when it comes to waterparks, people are worried about safety. There's all these stupid regulations I'm sure waterparks have to follow so that they don't get in trouble. I have a hunch North Korea isn't worried about those things. So what if a small child catches 20 feet of air coming off a waterslide and breaks his neck. They'll simply toss his dead carcass in the back of a rickshaw and Kim Jong Un will release a statement that the child is actually alive and thriving. Then they'll have a parade. Kim Jong Un wants desperately for North Korea to be the best at everything. Unfortunately for them, they don't have the means to be the best at anything. But if they wanted to, I bet they could scrounge up the funds to be the best at waterslides. 

But that's just a working theory of mine. I don't have the slightest idea of any of it is true, or if North Korea's waterparks are any better than the United States. But I really want to ride that yellow slide for Mr. Un. I want to try and backflip for him. Also, I did find this one video of some British vlogger guy at a North Korean waterpark, and it actually does look kind of awesome. 

Those people are having the time of their fucking lives. I've never seen a crowd more gassed up to watch a white guy jump off a platform. I suppose the North Koreans don't have access to internet, or good television, or any of the modern day entertainment we do, so going to a waterpark would probably be the equivalent of mainlining an 8-ball of cocaine in America. But regardless, their waterparks have managed to pique my interest. And now there's a beach resort opening up in North Korea's tourist zone. And maybe one day, when North Korea finally gets their shit together, which will surely happen eventually, I'll be able to catch a flight from LAX to Wonsan Kalma Airport to experience the motherland for myself.