Tom Brady Has Been 'Chatting Up' Sydney Sweeney at Jeff Bezos' Wedding and it May Alter the Course of Reality

Steven Simione. Getty Images.

In the Star Trek universe, by the 23rd century, human technology have evolved far beyond crude nuclear fission. (Note that sentence to open this blog can lead to feminine dryness. Talk to your doctor.) By the time the Enterprise was warping around the galaxy, it was utilizing a much more efficient Matter/AntiMatter reactor. 

The one downside with these materials is that, if a particle of one comes in contact with an identical particle of the other, it will destroy the universe. Or something. Egon Spengler explained it better when he warned against crossing the streams:

All life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of life. Got it. That's bad. Important safety tip. 

I bring up all this nerd gobbledygook up because the Celebrity version of Matter and Antimatter just came in contact at the wedding of the second richest man in the world. Jeff Bezos just crossed the streams of Tom Brady and Sydney Sweeney:

Source -  Tom Brady, Leo DiCaprio, Orlando Bloom and Sydney Sweeney are in the thick of party central at the Jeff Bezos and Lauren Sanchez wedding in Venice … and it sounds like Tom's making a move.

                   

We've learned the most hopping place in the Floating City is The Gritti Palace … a landmark waterfront hotel where a collection of Jeff and Lauren's most famous friends are staying -- and it's the place to be for wedding guests looking to party.

Sources who are there tell us Tom, Leo, Orlando, Sydney, Jerry Seinfeld, Oprah, Charissa Thompson and the Kardashians are all staying at the Gritti … and Sydney is the "center of attention" for single guys, including TB12.

                   

We're told the gang's been hanging at the hotel bar, partying and dancing … and Tom is taking center stage as the life of the party -- even spending some time chatting up Sydney, who one source described as "f***ing beautiful" in person. …

Our sources say security at the wedding is "unbelievable" as Jeff and Lauren try to keep things super private.

First of all, I wanted to really pay my respects to Bezos and the few remaining human parts of his cyborg bride for wanting "to keep things super private" as they're holding a wedding in one of the world's great tourist destinations and inviting the entire celebrity A-list. I mean, God forbid they have it on his ludicrous megayacht or one of his preposterous gated mansions and just stick with relatives and close friends. Instead, the bring the most sought after famous people in all of entertainment. Such that Seinfeld and Oprah don't even make the medal stand. And they're all gathered on a small island. But please everyone, they don't want to draw attention. Roger that. 

But no, the real prize goes to that "one source" who took the time to point out to those of us who might be in the dark on this, that Sydney Sweeney is "fucking beautiful in person." Thanks for intel. The rest of us weren't sure if her incredible body, exquisite face and perfect features would add up to much. 

Now we're better informed. You can't get that kind of expert analysis just anywhere. Thanks, TMZ. 

But it's obviously Brady and her that is our focus. Either of them is enough to make it cold there for Leonardo DiCaprio in their shadow. Together they're a threat to reality as we know it. Or could be. Scientists have never calculated what could happen if these two ever connect. Even if it's just a polite conversation. One spark could set off an explosion that makes the Big Bang look like you popped bubble wrap. 

If they come in physical contact, it could spin our timeline off in untold directions. Maybe we'd find ourselves in a reality where there are still dinosaurs or the 28-3 comeback never happened. 

And if they should ever end up one of those luxury suites at The Gritti Palace and do what comes naturally to healthy people in a romantic, world class setting like Venice, I think a rip in space-time is inevitable. The fabric of the cosmos isn't built to withstand a force that strong. All of creation could wink out of existence. I'm not sure. The science isn't settled because no law of physics ever took Brady and Sweeney into account. Their attractiveness can't be measured. 

So the bottom line is that, if these two should do what we're all thinking they probably will do, we'll probably not be alive to know about it. Still worth it, though. At 13.8 billion years, the universe had a nice run. It's been good knowing you.