What The Hell Is SeaWorld Doing?

I do not envy the fine members of SeaWorld's PR team. But I do admire their work. Not to say I respect the company they represent. I admire them in the way you'd "admire" a smooth-talking showboat defense attorney, who despite the entire world knowing his client is guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt, is still able to convince a jury to let him walk. 

SeaWorld has been fighting an uphill battle ever since 2013 when Blackfish dropped their hit piece, which changed the public perception of SeaWorld's main attraction from a fun sea-animal circus act, to something more akin to a whale concentration camp. For a time there, it felt like anyone who even attempted to visit a SeaWorld would be beaten with hammers and waterboarded with fake blood by PETA's goons before they even made it through the parking lot. 

But SeaWorld persevered. It helped that in 2016 they announced the cancellation of their orca whale breeding program. The generation of orcas currently at SeaWorld will allegedly be the last orcas ever in SeaWorld's care. Luckily for them, orca whales live nearly as long as humans, so theoretically they could still be running their whale torture show for decades to come. But eventually, SeaWorld is going to have to find a new hook. 

One potential option: The Hottest Summer Concert Series of The Mid-2000's

Alright SeaWorld. Looks like you've found a new target audience. People who remember being alive between 2000-2010, and think to themselves , "Wait... we can see Waka Flocka Flame at SeaWorld for $19.99? That sounds hilarious."

If there's one thing that makes a well-past-his-prime rapper more entertaining, it's some captive sea mammals sadly floating around begging for food in the background.

What they really should do is book R. Kelly for some sort of work-release residency program. That would be fitting. To have R. Kelly (not a free man), performing I Believe I Can Fly in an orange jumpsuit for his fellow captive brothers. It's kind of symbolic. Except R. Kelly actually deserves to be locked up. So that might insulting to the whales. Sorry whales. I'm just looking for a way to derogatorily get R. Kelly on stage so I can hear the Ignition (Remix) in a guilt-free setting.

I'm always surprised to see that SeaWorld is still going strong. Even if it means turning their whale prison into the set of a BET concert series. Maybe if this doesn't work out they can try their luck with 90's alternative. I bet the turtles would love to see Sonic Youth make a comeback.