Dumping Them Out: Women Won Today
Welcome back to another episode of Dumping Them Out. I'm getting married on Friday. This will be the last episode of Dumping Them Out written by a single man. Unless when I'm fired/not-renewed/die, somebody takes over the series to carry on my legacy as guy who posts not-quite porn GIFs every week on The Lord's Day.
Power Ranking of Things I'm Looking Forward to About Marriage
1. Not have to say "my fiancee", or "my girlfriend" when referring to my wife. I always thought "my girlfriend" sounded so lame. When I got engaged I was like, "Thank god I can stop sounding like a freaking loser with the my girlfriend shit". Then the first time I typed out "my fiancee" I realized that sounded ever more try hard. Like I think I'm French or something.
2. Kids. Having kids will be cool I guess.
I bought College Football 26 this weekend. The first video game I've bought since College Football 25. Before that I think it was GTA 5. The next game I buy will be College Football 27. Then College Football 28. Then either College Football 29 or GTA 6, depending on which one drops first.
I love the new College Football games, but I despise the existence of Ultimate Team. I don't know who plays that. I guess it's popular. As much as I love the game, there are so many little things that could so easily be made better, and I can't help but think if EA Sports wasn't so worried about shoving Ultimate Team down my throat, they'd have had time to fix the little stuff. The stuff that made the old college football games great. Like Road to Glory. Just make Road To Glory EXACTLY the same as it was in NCAA 14. For the life of me I can't figure out why it's that hard. The mini-games you have to play to earn the starting job are so dumb and tedious. I don't care about texting my girlfriend, or having to decide between attending a party with my teammates or studying like a nerd. It kills me how much they phone in Road to Glory.
Another little thing that pisses me off is that I want to create my god damn playbook within Dynasty Mode, and set it as my team's default playbook. I shouldn't have to create the playbook outside of my Dynasty Mode, then remember to scroll all the way through the playbook selections to find my created one on the pre-game screen before every game. I want to be able to set formation subs in my created playbook, instead of having to do it in the game. Just little stuff like that. I see people complain about on Reddit all the time, so I know EA knows about them. But nope. They gotta spend all their time trying to convince us to spend money on card packs in fucking Ultimate Team mode.I love the college football games because I love college football things. Like building a dynasty. Taking a player through his career. Not building some weird super team via opening packs and playing random strangers online. They can have their Ultimate Team, but I hate how they make it a priority.
KFC (Kevin Clancy) tweeted about Starry (the new version of Sierra Mist) the other day.
A year or so late on that tweet, but Starry was a terrible rebrand. I used to occasionally crave a Sierra Mist. Sierra Mist was a refreshing sounding beverage. I've never once seen a Starry commercial and been compelled to indulge in a Starry. But what that tweet really made me think of is Mello Yello. I don't think I've seen a Mello Yello in the wild in years. I used to love Mello Yello. Nothing went harder than a big two-liter of Mello Yello at a pizza party.
I just looked up the current state of Mello Yello. Talk about a fucking brutal rebrand. My god.
I'm now realizing I probably see Mello Yello on the shelves every time I go to the store, but I don't even recognize it. Probably thought it was C4, or some shitty off-brand energy drink. Remember how cool the old Mello Yello cans used to be? Especially the really old ones?
I have a theory that brands across the world are intentionally sabotaging their logos so that in a few years they can go back to their old, universally agreed upon better logos and see a boost in sales. Somebody must have done the math that if they make their logo dog shit, they'll see a 10% drop in sales, but when they go back to the old them, they'll see a 20% increase.
I've really been letting myself hate Jake Paul lately. Not really sure why. I'm playing right into his hands. He's the same person he's always been. But sometimes you just gotta give in and let yourself hate a guy. I actually found myself caring about the sanctity of boxing the other day. But what really got me was after the Taylor-Serrono fight on Friday night, he posted maybe my #1 most disliked tweet of all-time.
God that sucks. That's like the most pandering, patronizing, self-important thing I've ever read. Are you issuing a congratulations to all women? "Good for women. All of them. They earned Jake Paul's respect for a night. They made waves in the world of combat sports. In front of an audience full of dudes." That's absolutely what Jake Paul's idea of progress is. That's not progress. Progress is being deemed hot enough by a Barstool Sports blogger to be featured in his weekly smut article. Women won TODAY.