My Goals For The Barstool Beach House
Barstool Beach House officially starts today. It's been months of anticipation and now it finally begins. 10 of us sharing a house down the Jersey shore for four weekends with all footage being posted live to the Barstool Beach House social accounts. I have dabbled in reality shows before (and won) but this one is different. No competition. Just a true blue reality show. It's new waters for me, but I'm excited. So with that being said, here are my eight goals for the Barstool Beach House.
1. Find love
They always say the best way to find true love is during the filming of a reality show on the Jersey Shore. Listen, I've been one of the self-proclaimed top 50,000 bachelors in Manhattan for years now. But it might be time to settle down. I do eventually want to get married and have kids, and while I like being single, I think it's time to find my soulmate and the future mother of my children. Ideally, this will be like Sabrina Carpenter. She strikes me as a DJai's girl. But we'll see what happens.
2. Make other people fight while playing all sides
A good reality show thrives on drama and in-fighting. When you have 10 co-workers in a house that should hopefully happen naturally. But I'll do my best to stir the pot and ensure it. For example, history suggests Nicky Smokes and Annika are very likely to have a fight. If that happens, I'll go up to Annika and say "I can't believe Nicky treats you that way. He's such a douche bag. You deserve better." And then I'll go up to Nicky and say "Can't believe Annika is freaking out on you like that. Girls are so emotional. God she's such a fucking bitch!"
3. Convince people I'm 26 instead of 29
So I guess technically speaking by the letter of the law I am "29 years old." Now that would still make me younger than Dante and Danny Conrad so I shouldn't feel THAT old. But 29 is staring down the barrel of "maybe a little too old to be doing a reality show on the Jersey Shore." So instead I plan on just lying and telling everyone I am 26. Recently when I was in the great country of El Salvador, our tour guide guessed I was 22. So if I'm technically 29 but 22 presenting, then we'll average it out and say I'm 26.
4. Protect the women in our house
There's going to be a lot of creepy guys hitting on the girls in our house and trying to make them uncomfortable. But not on my watch. I want to basically be one of the girlies. If they ever feel like they need someone to talk to, Tommy is there for them. If they need a should to cry on, Tommy is there for them. If they need someone to step in and beat up some asshole harassing them, well then our security team is there for them. They will be calling me "White Knight Tommy" after this.
5. Have someone make one of those "Daddy's Home" edits of me
It's a big TikTok trend where people take footage of hot guys playing over "Daddy's Home" by Usher. I'd love someone to do that for me using footage of the show and make me look like a sex symbol. Luckily, since I posted that video above, someone already made one. So I can check this off the list but I want more!
6. Be the Vinnie
On the real Jersey Shore show, Vinnie was one of the most likable and easy to root for people on the cast. Just a nice funny guy who got some girls and stayed on everyone's good side. That's what I want to be remembered as. By September, people shouldn't even be able to tell us apart.
7. Be vulnerable
I often use humor and bits and irony as an armor and a self-defense mechanism. I'm not usually comfortable being vulnerable and real and emotional on camera and showing the "real" side of me. I'm not sure why that is. It may stem from being a late bloomer who was 5'1 with glasses, braces, and awful long hair til I was like 17 so I would always humor as a shield so people would laugh with me instead of at me. But that's just what ChatGPT told me when I used it as a therapist, so who knows! But on this show, I want to do my best to present the most real and authentic version of my self for the world to see and hopefully like!
8. Have Fun!!!!!!!!
And that sums up my goals for the next month at the Beach House. Tune in to all the Barstool Beach House accounts to follow the journey!