Phillies Broadcaster John Kruk Had An All-Time 4th Inning Taking On Every Topic From The Invention Of Clocks, To Getting Punched In The Face
Mary DeCicco. Getty Images.John Kruk was a great baseball player. That stretch he had in his career from '91-'93 cemented him as a legend in Philadelphia for the rest of time. 3x All-Star. Helped lead the Phillies to the World Series. It put him in the Phillies Wall of Fame for good. His persona, his appearance, everything about John Kruk was as iconic as baseball in Philadelphia gets.
But at the end of the day, the man was born to be a broadcaster. There's nothing that fits his skillset better than being able to just talk about whatever pops into his brain during 9 innings of baseball. Sometimes the games are intense, and there's not a ton of wiggle room for his brain to divert to other topics. But plenty of times, like last night, the Phillies are kicking the shit out of the Mariners 6-0 in the 4th inning. For all intents and purposes, the game is over. And that's where John Kruk shines the brightest.
It doesn't matter if it's the invention of the modern clock. It doesn't matter if it was the invention of the sundial or the pendulum. At some point throughout the course of human history, one person had to determine what time it is for the first time ever. They needed to make a call when it was zero hundred hours, and everybody else just had to go along with it. What if time was invented when it was actually 7:30 in the morning? What if we've been missing 7 hours this whole entire time? Centuries and centuries of being 7 hours behind the actual time. But somebody had to make that call, and I guess he did a great job explaining it because nobody seemed to question him.
Now obviously there are ways to explain how time works by measuring Earth's orbit and rotation. It's complicated, but it makes sense once you break it all down. But in John Kruk's mind, there's absolutely zero way to explain how anybody could ever switch to a vegan diet. Especially not after seeing the kale caesar cutlet sandwich from Liberty Kitchen.
It's a perfectly thin, breaded and fried chicken cutlet on a seeded roll with kale that has been marinating in their house-made caesar dressing, finished off with some local grated parm and fried shallots. It's the kind of sandwich that makes you wish Philly wasn't just known for the cheesesteak.
Now I'm sure John Kruk isn't a huge kale guy. Probably thinks that's a fruity lettuce that is only reserved for folks who think acai bowls are a meal. And obviously he's not a big shallot guy. Just give this man some regular old fried onions on his sandwich like Billy Penn intended when he founded Philadelphia. But at the end of the day, you can't take a look at that sandwich and not immediately want to devour the whole thing. You can't look at that sandwich and start to feel bad for that chicken. Because if chickens weren't meant to be eaten, then they would never be able to look that delicious.
So if the day ever comes that John Kruk decides to turn to a vegan diet? Well that's also the day that clocks stop working and time stays still, because the Earth has clearly stopped spinning. Go punch him in the face to jumpstart the orbit again.
P.S. -- Jordan Romano doesn't deserve to ever eat a kale caesar cutlet sandwich from Liberty Kitchen if he keeps pitching the way he's pitched all year.