As We Age It's Important to Eat Right, Exercise, & Get Plenty of Rest... OH FUCK OFF!

Ethan Miller. Getty Images.

One of the only good things about getting old is that it sure beats the alternative.

As I age, I can see and feel the difference. My clothes don't fit as well, and my energy is always teetering on low. I try to eat right, exercise, and get plenty of rest, but age defies good practice, and I'm getting used to functioning in this new reality. It's a lot like going to the gas station and never being able to fill up. Hey, I'm collecting Social Security, on Medicare, and eating heat 'n serve meals that get delivered to my doorstep. I'm an old bastard who has a pet fly that follows me around my house. Maybe I should bathe more often?

One thing I noticed is my balance is slipping, literally. Putting on underwear has become incredibly risky. At times, I've struggled mightily and misplaced my lead foot and almost gone down. "Down goes Vinnie!" I fear falling during the wardrobe change, hurting myself, and having to call 911. How embarrassing would that be? Hearing an EMT calling in, "We have another elderly gentleman who has slipped and fallen while putting on his underwear. He's stable, but we're transporting to the nearest ER…"

Farting in old age has provided me with hours of fun, thank god. We old guys don't choose when and where we do it, and as a result, it's unsafe to follow too closely behind us. My wife used to laugh hysterically when she passed gas, but when I farted, she'd turn her nose up and say, "Gross!"

No one appreciates their own farts more than me. I feel I'm next level. But, as I've gotten older, there's always the fear that "farts do occasionally have lumps". So, I'm being more cautious—no more all-out efforts. I'm trying to stay dry…

I'm very realistic about my advanced age, and I've made several adjustments in my life to accommodate my new reality.

For instance, even my searches on Pornhub have become age-appropriate. What do I mean by that?

At one time, I was young, dumb, and full of cum, and now I'm old, cold, and not much fun. My advanced age has made me more realistic, even in sexual fantasy. I fully understand my limited performance capabilities, and in an attempt to keep things real, I've toned down my searches.

Instead of searching "hot young bitches, large breasts, fuck all night", I've begun searching titles that include "chubby mature". I haven't entered into the world of "hot grannies" yet, but judging from the trailers Pornhub has forced me to watch before my feature presentation, a majority of these grannies would humiliate me! Some look like they teach five spin classes a week. My ego isn't ready for that, yet…

But what aging has taught me most is that I should no longer hold back saying "fuck off!" to people who deserve it. I've tried to keep myself in line my entire life, set a good example for the youth of America, but now that I'm amongst the elderly, I see no reason for it.

I've officially begun my campaign to tell as many people to "fuck off" as possible. It's a lot like a politician kissing babies, but in reverse. I don't want or need anyone's vote, so telling them to "fuck off" is without consequence and so much fun.

If you don't like my blog, then just FUCK OFF!