You Simply Cannot Wear Capris While Being 1-5

I’ve huffed and puffed for the last 24 hours about how pathetic the Miami Dolphins organization is, but now it’s time to shift gears and address something equally concerning, a full-blown fashion crisis taking over the NFL. Maybe “takeover” is a stretch, but what’s happening on those sidelines might be the most embarrassing indictment of a head coach since Bill Belichick took over at UNC.

Let’s talk about capri pants.

Yes, capris. The frat boy hybrid between shorts and pants look that no grown man, let alone a professional football coach, should ever be caught dead in. It has been brought to my attention that two coaches who wore capris in the past actually won games, but since that doesn’t fit my narrative, I’ll be ignoring that information entirely and proceeding with my original case: Coaches who wear capri pants stink.

The current offenders? Mike McDaniel and Aaron Glenn. Their teams are a combined 1-11, and that one win came when they played each other. You can’t make this up. The only man who’s beaten a capri coach… is another capri coach. That’s not football. That’s essentially a competition between two girls with no ass to see whose is fatter.

Greg Olsen said it best, when you’re losing, everything matters. From how you dress, to how you talk, to how you call plays, it all reflects the product on the field. When you’re winning, you can do whatever you want. If the Dolphins were sitting pretty at 6-0, McDaniel could wear a tank top and flip flops for all I care. But when you’re 1-5, and your lone win is against another guy in cropped pants, you simply can’t be walking around looking like you just left a beach wedding.

Between the capris, the blindingly white Air Force 1s, and the never-ending “ummmm”s in postgame pressers, McDaniel has officially become unwatchable. I can’t take it anymore. I’m past the point of calling for his job, I’m calling for a wardrobe intervention.

If Mike McDaniel wants to turn this season around, he needs to start with the basics, burn the capris, find some full-length pants, and act like a professional football coach again.