Patriots Fans Need To Pipe Down

Being a fan of the Miami Dolphins is fucking impossible. They don’t give you anything to root for, and even when they do, they’ll find a way to fuck it up. After 25 years of nothing but disappointment and being a fucking loser, I’ve realized the only way to deal with my suffering is to pray for my rivals to suffer.

Considering the Patriots won six Super Bowls, that strategy didn’t exactly go as planned. There were countless times they looked broken in September, and I’d get my hopes up, only for them to end the year lifting another Lombardi. It was miserable. That’s why I’m thankful for the Buffalo Bills. Because no matter how good they are, no matter how stacked their roster looks, they always choke when it matters most. And yeah, it’s sad that another team’s downfall brings me joy but when your own team gives you nothing, you take what you can get.

Now, it is way too soon for these fair weather Patriots fans to be screaming from the rooftops that they’re “back.” I will not stand for it, nor do I have the stomach for it. If these spoiled assholes can move on from the greatest quarterback of all time, throw Mac Jones to the wolves, and somehow land on another franchise QB before my team can win a playoff game in the last 25 years, I will shoot myself in the face.

I’m not stupid. Drake Maye is clearly better than Tua but that’s not exactly saying much. What’s ridiculous is people trying to put Maye in the same tier as Patrick Mahomes or Josh Allen. Let’s pump the brakes. I’ll give him the win in Buffalo, I can’t argue that, but let’s not act like this Patriots team isn’t playing one of the easiest schedules in football. Every time they beat some poverty franchise, their fanbase acts like they’re world beaters again.

Fuck that. I’ve seen this movie too many times. The young QB gets hot against bad teams, the fans start chirping, and then they get to the playoffs and get bounced in the first round. That’s exactly what’s going to happen this year. They’ll win some games, make the playoffs, and then get exposed.

As Dave once told me, “Football doesn’t start till apple picking season.” I still don’t know what the fuck that means, but I know it’s not apple picking season yet, and when it is, this Patriots team will come crashing back to reality.