Field Sobriety Tests Are Incredibly Silly

What is the point of field sobriety tests? That question is only halfway rhetorical. I've wondered this since the day I learned what a field sobriety test and a breathalyzer were. It was probably in D.A.R.E. class. We all remember D.A.R.E. class (if you're old enough). Where some local police officer, typically an officer who was on probation for drunk driving himself, had been sentenced to teaching kids to stay off drugs and alcohol. So he'd come to class once a week and educate everyone on all the different types of drugs and alcohol. To basically teach all the kids how to use them. He would all but stand up at the front of the room and demonstrate how to light a crack pipe. The whole D.A.R.E. program was just a stone's throw away from that Tyrone Biggums Chappelle's Show sketch. 

Then at D.A.R.E. graduation, they'd make you sign a contract saying you'd never do drugs for the rest of your life. What a racket that was.

Anyways, I remember being in D.A.R.E. and learning all about the dangers of drunk driving, and how field sobriety tests worked. We all took turns putting on the drunk goggles. The goggles that don't even come remotely close to simulating what being drunk is like. 

Then we'd try to walk a straight line. Recite the alphabet backwards. Touch our fingers to our noses. Stand on one foot. Give the D.A.R.E. officer a massage. All the classics.

But then, after that whole production, the officer pulls out his magic breathalyzer to determine exactly how drunk the driver really is. I remember thinking, "Wait… so the police officer has the final answer in his pocket the whole time? Then what was all of that other bullshit for? Can we not just skip the whole embarrassing dog and pony show and cut right to the chase?"

I get that drivers can be impaired from something that isn't alcohol, meaning they'd blow a 0.00% despite being too fucked up to drive. But what percentage of DUI's don't involve drunk people? Like 1%? And if you're that fucked up from drugs only, that's going to pretty damn obvious too. If a driver is nodding off on heroin behind the wheel, you probably don't need a field sobriety test to prove that person is unfit to operate a vehicle.

It just seems like we could save a whole lot of time if we cut down on the "Are You Drunk?" game show's on the side of road, and went straight to the breathalyzer. Of course, the driver can still refuse to blow. But unless you just really fucking hate cops and are trying to make a point (and you have WAY too much time on your hands), you're probably just going to blow into the thing and get on with your life. Honestly, what better way to determine whether or not someone has been drinking than if they refuse the option to prove they haven't been. 

And it's not like cops are actually giving people a fair chance to prove their suspicions wrong. Has there ever been a situation where a driver crushed saying the alphabet backwards so hard that the officer was like, "Well shit… I still think he's drunk… but my hands are tied. He did the alphabet in reverse." 

The field sobriety tests all come with so many different little minor instructions so that no matter what, by the end of the test, a cop will have something to point to that the driver did incorrectly. If the tests aren't actually passable… if they're primarily being used as a way to essentially trick a passenger into giving a cop probable cause… that doesn't seem quite right. There's a reason lawyers will tell you to never agree to take one at all. 

There's just gotta be a better way to go about drunk driving arrests by now. I guess I'm not coming here with many better ideas, so who am I to say? Maybe at the end of the day, despite their flaws, field sobriety tests wind up being the best option. Maybe it's still the best way to get someone out of a car and up and moving to get a good sense of their mental & physical state. They've gotta be able to get something on camera if they refuse to blow. It's not like cops are batting .000 using it. But the whole thing seems so silly. So often, the body cam footage you see ends up looking like a scene out of Reno 911. 

Also… the girl in that video… pretty hot, right? I feel like she's probably drunk too. Despite the fact she did pretty well on the test. Because she refused to blow. Almost like her standing on one-foot in front of half the precinct didn't get anybody anywhere. She simply refused to blow and was taken to the police station. Now she'll have to deal with the consequences of that. Which is how that whole situation would have wrapped up anyways, regardless of the field sobriety test.