Ranking NFL Teams Based On Who Would Have the Hottest Lingerie

Editor's Note: Sometimes you just gotta let Nicky Smokes cook. Though I am disappointed he didn't find examples of each. This will be a point of focus next semester in Blog School.

You never know what kind of unhinged conversations are going to break out in the gambling cave on an NFL Sunday. I’ve heard some wild shit in there, but even I didn’t have “Which NFL team would make the hottest lingerie?” on my bingo card. Credit to PFT for bringing this absolute masterpiece of a topic into the world, and since he opened the door, I’m sprinting through it.

Honestly, this question doesn’t get asked enough. Forget your girl wearing your favorite team’s oversized T-shirt or tossing on your favorite player’s jersey. No. We’re talking team themed lingerie, representing where it matters (just kidding… kind of… but come on, you can’t tell me this wouldn’t be way hotter than a baggy cotton tee).

Anyway, after 45 seconds of research, zero shame, and interrogating the girls in the office like a deranged fashion scout, here’s the official list.

10. Jacksonville Jaguars

If there were justice in this world, the Jags would be higher. You could make a very real, very horny case for top 5. That teal and gold combo? Dangerous. That’s the type of color palette that makes a man reconsider his life choices. Add in the crisp white as an outline option and now we’re cooking. A clear top-10, maybe even a sleeper top-3.

9. Carolina Panthers

Black, white, blue, silver, this is lingerie LEGO. The mix and-match possibilities are endless. You can build whatever mood you want, classy, bold, icy, chaotic. Panthers lingerie feels like it would come with a warning label and a playlist.

8. Cincinnati Bengals

Maybe this is just my imagination running wild, but tiger stripes? Come on. That’s heat. We’ve all seen cheetah print, but Bengal print lingerie? Revolutionary. Add the alternate all white Bengal design and suddenly you’re in a world you never thought you’d be in but are happy that you are in.

7. Dallas Cowboys

Simple. Timeless. Iconic. The Cowboys blue and silver is basically lingerie royalty. Their cheerleaders already look like they were factory made to break hearts on national television. Now imagine the “Cowgirls” uniform… but lingerie. America's Team indeed.

6. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Red lingerie is undefeated. Red and white, red and black, all red, it does not matter. The Bucs entire color scheme has been begging to be turned into something you see only after signing an NDA. 

5. Las Vegas Raiders

Black and silver. That’s it. That’s the tweet. Clean, bold, intimidating, and sexy without even trying. Raiders lingerie is absolutely giving “you’re not in charge tonight.” If she walks out wearing this, congratulations, you’re the bottom now.

4. San Francisco 49ers

Scarlet and gold. Elegant. Regal. Slightly dangerous in the best way. It takes me right back to my one semester at FSU, and trust me, the things I saw… let’s just say I’m ranking this from experience.

3. LA Rams

The Rams could easily be number one on any sane person’s list. Royal blue and gold? That’s breathtaking. That’s lingerie that walks out of the room and leaves you questioning everything you’ve ever said out loud.

2. LA Chargers

At this point I’m convinced LA teams specifically chose their color schemes based on which ones would look the hottest on the women in their city. Powder blue and sunshine yellow? Sign me up.

1. Miami Dolphins

This absolutely, positively, 100000% has nothing to do with the Dolphins being my favorite team or this being a very specific fantasy I’ve had. Totally unbiased pick here. But aqua and orange? Best colors in the game. That’s a set women would line up for the same way people line up for new iPhones. We’re talking instant sellout.