Yelp For People Is Just About The Worst Idea I've Ever Heard

(WaPo) — You can already rate restaurants, hotels, movies, college classes, government agencies and bowel movements online. So the most surprising thing about Peeple — basically Yelp, but for humans — may be the fact that no one has yet had the gall to launch something like it. When the app does launch, probably in late November, you will be able to assign reviews and one- to five-star ratings to everyone you know: your exes, your co-workers, the old guy who lives next door. You can’t opt out — once someone puts your name in the Peeple system, it’s there unless you violate the site’s terms of service. And you can’t delete bad or biased reviews — that would defeat the whole purpose.

Please. God. No.

If I were a restaurant I’m that little hole in the wall that you look at and think, “well maybe it doesn’t totally suck. You wanna try it? There’s not much else around, plus I’m hungry and my feet hurt. Let’s go in for a beer and check it out.” I don’t jump out as the best option, but I’ll do in a pinch.

However, if you add a Yelp to me? Well, you’re gonna run by. He’s fat, tits, lazy, loud, small dick, big nose, fat fingers, pregnant lady feet, thinks he’s funnier than he is, an asshole, etc. Once you get to know me enough to write a Yelp review, there’s absolutely nothing redeemable about me. The nicest thing my friends can say about me to their friends is “you’ll get used to him” which is just code for “he’s pretty much like drowning. It sucks at first then you let yourself get swallowed whole and it’s not all that bad.” He’s like drowning is the nicest thing someone can say about me. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

So, safe to say, I’m firmly against this app. People should have to find out about other people on their own and by that I mean come on, give me a chance to hide all the shitty things about myself before choosing another option.