A Guy Has Created An 'On-Off' Birth Control Switch For Your Sperm

Telegraph – A German carpenter has invented a valve which he claims will revolutionise contraception, by allowing a man to turn the flow of sperm from his testicles on and off at the flick of a switch.

Clemens Bimek told Spiegel magazine the idea first came to him some 20 years ago, when he was watching a television documentary about contraception, and wondered whether it would be possible to control the flow of sperm with a simple valve.

When he discovered that no one had ever filed a patent for such a device, he decided to develop his own.

“Many of the doctors I consulted didn’t take me seriously. But there were some who encouraged me to go on tinkering and helped me with their expertise,” Mr Bimek said.

Now the valve he has developed is to be implanted in 25 men in trials starting this year.

The tiny valves are less than a inch long and weigh less than a tenth of an ounce. They are surgically implanted on the vas deferens, the ducts which carry sperm from the testicles, in a simple half-hour operation.

Now to be clear here, when I thought of the terms “valve” and “switch” I was thinking of something a subtle and innovative that would be a complete reimagination of how we do contraceptive surgery. Nope. It’s just a regular ol’ valve and seemingly regular ol’ switch (but special because it’s for your dong):

Now in theory this sounds great. Turning on and off your sperm sounds awesome. But that’s sort of assuming I don’t have to literally press a switch inside my dick neck to control the flow. I’m all for technology and respect that there will be a whole lot of advancements in my lifetime that will horrify and confuse me. But a thing that looks like a regular light switch inserted into my vas deferens? I don’t think that’s how the human body works. Why not shove an ice maker or an inanimate carbon rod in there while we’re at it? And it sucks I’m not buying in here because I love the idea for both married guys who’d normally get a vasectomy and even single guys like some of us who may enjoy the thrill of condomless sex but not necessarily the whole “creating a living thing that relies on you for 18 years” thing. Kind of like a superpower really. But a contractor shoving Radioshack leftovers into my pee hole without the convenience of clapping to turn it on and off? No thank you sir, good luck to those Germans trying this idea out.

HOWEVER a related idea…this reminded me of that old urban legend that there was a conspiracy to spike Tropical Fantasy with a drug that would sterilize black men:

That rumor reportedly caused sales for Tropical Fantasy to drop 70% and I bet a lot of people out there still believe it’s true. I can’t imagine Tropical Fantasy is killing it now if they even still exist, what if we buy them or their trademarks, leverage this old rumor about them that ruined their business and make some sort of tasty sugary beverage that also kills your sperm for six hours? Sure I’m not well-versed in creating contraceptives or fizzy beverages but this guy’s a fucking carpenter and some doctors were like “Gutentag ya sure whatever we’ll shove some switches in dude’s dicks.” You’re telling me I couldn’t buy a Sodastream and pretend Martin Shkreli is cool for a minute or two by not punching him in the face to convince him to fill in the rest of the medical details? I’m onto something here. Admittedly a quarter-assed idea but if you don’t want to spray sperm all over I say it’s still better than trusting Hans the carpenter to shove whatever is in his workbench in your dick.

(h/t @DavidCovucci, turning off the jizz photo by Shutterstock)