Late Night Letter

Trump writes Rodman.

Dear Dennis,

You are a winner. You’re a five-time NBA Champion, two-time NBA All-Star, and you were the 2005 commissioner of The Lingerie Football League—your resume is a Schindler’s list of Ws. I think you’re a smart person, and if I think you’re smart then you’re smart because I’m the smartest. I will never apologize for calling a spade a spade or Mexican a murdering rapist. People say you have problems Dennis. No, what you have are passions, and passions are something I can get behind. What I want to discuss with you in this letter is your friendship with one Mr. Kim Jong-Un. First of all let me say that I admire Mr. Kim because he’s a winner, he’s rich, and he’s not afraid to take the Internet away from people he doesn’t want on it. He get’s it. He sees the big picture, and in that picture Trump is president and I respect him for that.

It’s been all over the news that Mr. Kim successfully detonated a hydrogen bomb yesterday in preparation for completely decimating the entire United States of America. First of all, I need to make it very clear that this does not scare Donald Trump. I recently teetered with the idea of deploying an H-Bomb myself on top of a black community that was delaying my ability to break ground on my next Trump International Hotel. However, I did not do it because I love the blacks and have a black friend. So before we go any further, tell Mr. Kim that if he thinks he’s the only one with the balls to commit genocide, let him know that genocide excites me and I’ll strong-arm my way to world leader even if it means extinguishing all life on planet Earth other than my smoking hot model wife Melania, my incredibly flexible stripper mistress Diamond (told you I had a black friend), and, of course, myself. Oh, and to go back to my first point—my balls are not only present, but they are huge. Imagine carrying two unequally sized spikeballs in a drawstring Nike bag.

However, the last thing I want to do here is intimidate Mr. Kim. All I really want from him is his friendship. I want us to be a team. Guys like him and I understand each other. Kim has been responsible for famine, I cut my wife off the AMEX after she’s had her 900th daily calorie. Jim has conducted state executions, I’ve fired world-renowned athletes on Celebrity Apprentice. By the way Dennis I did think you were a winner on the show; however, the other contestants were testing much better with the 13 to 21 year old demographic. I would apologize, but I don’t.

Mark my words. Come this November, North Korea and the United States will be unbelievably powerful allies. But first Dennis I need you to introduce me to the famous Supreme Leader. We’ll hop in my jet and go and do some diplomacy right in Rosie O’Donnell’s fat face. All I need is three days in North Korea and I can promise you two things: 1) We will change the world forever, and 2) My poll numbers will spike to never before seen heights.

If it doesn’t work out put us three in a group message.

DONALD.