REPORT: Doug Pederson Will Be Your New Philadelphia Eagles Head Coach

Doug Pederson.

A man who nobody else in the NFL even had a thought about being a head coach, INCLUDING THE EAGLES UNTIL ANDY REID PICKED UP THE GODDAMN PHONE AND CALLED JEFFREY LURIE. Hey Jeff, Andy’s a good guy and all, but do you realize this is a business and HE IS A MOTHERFUCKING COMPETITOR?!?!? Why would he even have a pipeline to your mind let alone the billion acres of real estate Big Red’s gunt apparently owns? Lurie and Howie got their “Yes Man” for the time being and I CAN’T WAIT till the press conference when they tout Aw Shucks up there proclaiming he was their first choice all along.

Doug Pederson.

A man who just 8 short years ago was a coach at Calvary Baptist and got his chance in the NFL from his former HC Andy Reid, who he played for as a career backup QB. No word on if, like in ’99 when Reid brought Pederson from GB to Philly to be his opening day QB, if Pederson’s and Reid’s wives best friendship had anything to do with Big Red’s liking of Doug.

Doug Pederson.

A man who was the offensive coordinator of a team who has arguably one of the top 3 talents at TE in the league and painfully won’t use him. Also, remember last year when the Chiefs THREW 0 MOTHER FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS TO THEIR WIDE RECEIVERS?!!?!?! Solid coaching there. But don’t blame Pederson all that much cause he doesn’t even call the fucking plays most of the time.

Doug Pederson.

Your next Philadelphia Eagles head coach.

….

Congrats, Philly fans calling for Chip’s head. This is what you deserve. Instead of letting it ride for one more year and seeing if the ship could either turn around or sink completely (in which I would’ve happily been playing the violin all the way to the bottom), we’re stuck with almost guaranteed mediocrity for at least the next 2-3 years. Remember how frustrating it was watching Andy Reid’s West Coast Offense at times? Well, now realize this isn’t even Andy Reid calling the shots, it’s his bitch boy. Also realize the West Coast Offense as we know it is an antiquated notion in the NFL today. It’s not next level. It’s not game changing. It’s the same old shit, different day.

Well, I for one have to thank not Chip, but Howie Roseman and his snake motherfucking ego for ruining this franchise and city. Congrats, Roseman. You rigged the deck and got the exact cards you wanted. Go to hell. #IHateThisFranchise