I got escorted out of last night's GOP town hall by the US Secret Service

I cannot overstate how much I love the city of Milwaukee. Its a place whose entire culture is built around the fact that its always cold outside and everyone wears six layers of clothing so you might as well drink a ton, get comfortably chubby, and eat at restaurants that feature nothing but appetizers that combine beer and cheese in every way possible. Its either the friendliest city in America or the most passive-agressive place on earth and I’m just too dumb to pick up on it. Either way I enjoyed their hospitality immensely until I got kicked out of the debate by the United States secret service. More on that later.

The day started with Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker issuing a ringing endorsement of Ted Cruz, which is extremely uninteresting at face value. But a extremely interesting thing about Governor Walker is the fact that he honestly 100% claims that his bald spot was caused by “bumping his head on a kitchen sink”

Have to repsect the hell out of a guy to pull that one off with a straight face, but I’d hate to see the wave pool that Trump accidentally bumped into 20 years ago. At any rate you can bet your sweet ass that Portnoy is racking his brain trying to figure out what household applicanes he may have grazed against.

The war on the war on women

The GOP has fallen under criticism by not doing enough to appeal to female voters especially given the most recent back-and-forth between Cruz and Trump about whose spouse is less of a whore. Fortunately, Ted took back the moral high ground last night at the outset of the townhall with the unequivocal statement that attacks on wives and children should be off limits during the campaign with a obvious exception if your discussing your support for bombiing the families of terrorists.

The real big news of the day was that Trumps campaign manager Corey Lewandowski took some time off from designing the screen door submarine that is the Trump campaign to get himself arrested for simple battery against Breitbart News reporter Michelle Fields. Simple battery is the basic bitch of violence, and if I’m Trump I’m pissed off that he’s associating my campaign with such a weak arrest record. Getting charged with simple assault is kind of a way of cops negging you for not being man enough to do any real damage.

Not to be sexist but women need to make up their minds when it comes to this type of stuff. One day they’re under the covers with the electric toothbrush reading stories about a billionaire roughing them up , and the next there pressing charges against them for being grabbed too hard. If this had taken place in a red room instead of a green room this would just be considered a spring fling and she probably wouldnt even count this one when her future husband asks her how many guys shes been assaulted by. Trump needs to get voir dir on Fields amazon history and see if she bought 50 shades of Gray and a hitachi magic wand within a week of each other, and if so, that could point to the fact that maybe she secretly wanted this.

The police released video evidence of the alleged assault, which to be honest, didn’t really prove anything to me. Quite frankly, the Jupiter Florida police department must be employing Mike Carey as their video evidence guru because I dont see a crime being committed below.

I’m not a expert at reviewing video evidence, but you know who is? Former NFL VP of officating and current FOX Rules Analyst Mike Pereira. Mike was gracious enough to give me his professional opinion on the instant replay:

There you have it folks, Mike Pereira has deemed it “inconclusive.” Case closed- Corey Lewandowski did not complete the act of assaulting her.

Plus, Trump correctly argues that Michelle Fields was the one who approached him with a unknown item in her hand. It could have been a bomb, it could’ve been a knife, or yes, maybe it was a pen. But anyone whose ever picked up a book can tell you that technically a pen is mightier than a sword, so Lewandowski was 100% within his rights to neautralize the threat, by any means necessary.

By the way, can we agree that being Donald Trumps campaign manager must be the easiest job in the world? You basically wake up every morning, go on a talk show where they ask you “does Trump stand by this latest outrageous thing he said?” You say ‘yes’, you go make sure he’s not dead, then you get drunk for 12 hours and as long as you mention a wall and reverse racism you get to keep your job. Basically when your boss is on TV endorsing war crimes, your job is to not get caught committing any felonies on camera, so why would someone with that type of job securty ever risk his position by committing a misdemeanor when he thought he wasnt being taped?

Speaking of Polish people who enjoy being given jobs they dont have to work for, how come the media is ignoring Bernie Sanders culpability in this whole misogynist debacle. If you think Lewandowskis bad, wait until you meet his liberal counterpart- the Bernie Bro. Theyre basically from my understanding a gang of socialist nazis who hate Hillary for unknown reasons and want to get free healthcare for all their injuries sustained from prolonged contact to gluten. Trump, on the other hand loves women so much that hes gotten married to three times as many as Sanders.

In the spirit of gender eqaulty I had my sights set on asking a question during the nights townhall meeting- was going to ask Cruz “If you were a woman would you be a lesbian?” Would of been a great combo question dealing with gay rights and also really force them into a tough decison.

To butter up the females, Ted Cruz took Carly Fiorina on a pre-debate date to a place called Sobelmans. In a classic case of midwestern passive agressiveness the server brought over two bloody maries for the lovebirds to share knowing that they’d refuse. One thing Milwukee is known for is its bloody marys which are like a meal that you eat while you get drunk to not be hungover anymore. They’re traditionally served with a side of beer to take the edge off the hangover that you get from drinking the bloody mary to cure you of your hangover from your last beer. But watch these nerds awkwardly refuse the drinks here:

Extremely Unpresidental on the part of ol Canada Dry Ted. How far has American political discourse fallen over the past 50 years that our candidates are afraid to drink before speaking? Some historians believe that FDR didnt actually need a wheelchair, he was just always too drunk to walk around. His grandfather Teddy took more shots on his way to speeches then JFK.

The Debate

This was a businesstrip in every sense of the word for me. I had secured a press credental at the last minute as a photographer because the venue was so small they didnt actually give reporters passes to get in. Unfortunately for me I didnt have a working camera due to some last minute “technical” issues mostly related to my own laziness but I did have a iphone which technically- is a camera. The litmus test for wether or not something is a camera is if your allowed to have it in your hands in a strip club, and Id be happy to point CNN to the precedent set by Vince Young v Spearmint Rhino in case they dont believe me.

So I was up in the baclony with the big guys from Reuters, the AP, and others who were all kind of showing off with their big lenses.

All I had was my iphone but I still managed to get off a few good shots here.

Ted Cruz went first. He came into this debate knowing that he had to turn on that famous casanova charm. He was coming off a week where he had been linked to a series of affairs that actually probably helped his campaign. It got Cruz out of Americas monogamous friend-zone and painted him as the bad boy whose a baptist in the streets but a Mormon in the sheets. But if you thought this would damage his reputation, you have to remember that Ted Cruz was the least believable person to smear with the affair brush since the thought of him being sexy enough to charm the pants off five women is as concevable as attacking Marco Rubio for being a bad listener.

My favorite anecdote of the night was probably Cruz’s touching story about his mom and how she never learned to type on purpose:

And, I remember my mom used to tell me a lot when I was a kid, she said, she very deliberately didn’t learn how to type. She said, look, it was the 1950s. I understood the world I was living.

She didn’t want to be walking down the hall and have some man stop her and say, Sweetheart, would you type this for me?

She wanted to be able to respond with a clean conscience and smile and say, I would love to help you out, but I don’t know how to type. I guess you’re going to have to use me as a computer programmer instead.

“I dont know how to type but will you hire me as a computer programmer” has got to be the strongest opening line on the strongest cover letter of all time. Its the oldschool equivilant of “I played QB at Texas Tech will you draft me to the NFL?” or “I’m Canadian but I want to be United States President.”

Things were just getting warmed up and there was a palpable buzz in the room as we were getting closer to Trump time. I managed to fire off a couple more great shots as Cruz was finishing:

Looks pretty professonal to me, but the debate hosts apparently didnt agree. Maybe it was the iphone, maybe it was the minis of fireball that I brought in and was consuming, but I think that the debate hosts were being racist against photographers who didnt have photography equipment when they approached me and asked where my camera was.

I’ve been kicked out of more places in my life than I’ve gained legitimate entrance to, so I have a spidey sense of when its about to happen to me. It usually starts with people around you texting alot and then someone you’ve never seen stands right next to you for a uncomfortably long amount of time. Then they whisper to each other and armed security shows up at the nearest exit. This turn of events was checking all the boxes. During the next commercal break I was told that I had to leave so I packed up my photography gear and liquor and next thing I knew I was being escorted out by 3 secret service agents and a lady with a walkie talkie. How come the news is reporting on Michelle Fields getting assaulted but no one cares that what happened to me was emotionally scarring and honestly a worse thing. Complete violation of the 1st amendment.

So yeah I got kicked out on a technicality for being a drunk cameraman without a camera and had to spend the rest of my night on the streets with the Bernie Bros who were traumatizing me with there reckless confusing signs:

I suppose the scriptures definitely do support late-term abortion given that God literally aborted Jesus in her 99th trimester, but the sidewalk chalking here is especially traumatizing and concerning.

In Conclusion

In conclusion, although I didnt get to see the other canidates due to a slight misunderstanding, I’m told that Trump stood by his manager and talked about how he hated nuclear war more than anyone, and that John Kasich chuckled alot and good naturedly answered questions about Donald Trump. The overall winner of the night however was Ted Cruz. He took what could of been a very bad day for republicans in gender-relations and turned it into a huge win for himself by spending the day wooing females nationwide with his passion  and oozing sensualty thats sure to thaw American womens hearts and loins.