The Worst Cube Day Of The Year

Well this is it. This is the one. Absolutely indisputable, worst day of the year for Cube Monkeys. April Fools Day. A day when the rabble rousers think its funny to pull some shenanigans at work. When the least funny guy in the office thinks he has carte blanche to be an extra annoying dickhead simply because he can yell “April Fools!” at the end of it. The same guy who says “Did I get a hair cut? Nope! I got all of em cut!” now thinks he’s a comedian for the day. The guy who says “I guess I missed the memo!” when more than 1 person is wearing a blue shirt decides to be Jim Halpert. The guy who still says “ITS NIIIICE” like Borat wants to be Ashton Kutcher from Punk’d because he’s so fucking out of touch he actually still thinks Punk’d is relevant.

You get the office wide email that there’s catered breakfast in the break room only to find out there’s NOT catered breakfast in the break room!

Your boss emails everyone that the office is closing in the afternoon and everyone gets a half day with another email sent a millisecond later say April Fools!

Look at those donuts out wait they’re vegetables!!

Can you imagine being one of these fucking dicks who take the time to do this? Like the donut guy. You gotta go to Krispy Kreme and get donuts. Go to the grocery store and get a veggie platter. Get rid of all the donuts. Replace them with the veggie platter. Commute to work carrying these things. Its just fucking insanity.

How about the saran wrap guy? Getting in early on purpose to get there before everyone else shows up. Taking the time to run circles around another guys cube with a roll of plastic wrap. Thats like fucking cardio. (Sidenote: I walk into an office and my cube is saran wrapped I turn right the fuck around and go home. No questions asked)

But there is nobody worse than the prankster dude who’s just ultimately PAINFULLY unfunny and this year, April Fools 2016, we have a first ballot Hall of Fame entry in that department:

Holy Water. SMH. This isnt a prank. Or a joke. Or even funny. Its just you being an asshole. Like everyone else on April Fools Day.

PS – These are all pranks from last year, which was undoubtedly the best (worst) April Fools year in Cube History:

You know how fucking long that would take? God I absolutely hate anyone who thinks this is worth the amount of time it takes. Then you got the flipside with the tape over the mouse asshole:

Not only do you suck at being a normal person but youre also an unoriginal bastard. Which of course leads us to old faithful for these pricks, the Brown E’s

Now this is our first “prank” where murder/death/kill is an acceptable response. You dont fuck with people and free brownies. You know why? Look at the top corner of that pic with the fucking old lookin apples in the bowl. Thats the kinda shit people get at work. Old apples. Cube monkeys have so very very little. So flaunting a day off or a free lunch or a batch of free brownies is a Glimmer of Hope that these lemmings fucking need. When that gets pulled out from underneath them, its straight murder/suicide territory. Like “Oh haha its just a joke I guess I’ll eat this rotten apple now! Or maybe I’ll just start slitting throats!”

Only people worse than the rabble rousers are the people who don’t even know what a prank is:

Thats not a joke you goddam losers. Wearing black and white clothes isnt a joke. Or these chicks:

ROFL! Pretend fight! Fake Quit! I’ll tell you what, you got some BALLS to fake quit. You never know who’s gonna be like “Good Riddance you fucking IDIOT I’ve always hated you and I’ve been waiting for this day!” and then your career is fucked.

Shaking my damn head.

Hey dude I dont know why you think working in a kitchen excuses this behavior, but if you put a dead pig carcass in someone’s drawer you’re probably a serial killer and need to be locked up.

Boy did you get us good. On March 31st there WEREN’T wet floor signs but now on April 1st there IS. PRANKSTER.

What would have been really funny is if you put up a sign that said “I wish I died in 9/11 like Pete Davidson’s Dad instead of working here.” Then you would have been topical with the Bieber roast and extra points for honesty.

On to the two most popular pranks this year.

2) “Voice Activated” stuff at the office:

I gotta be honest, if a coworker ever got me with this prank, I’d have no choice but to quit. If you stand there talking to the printer or the coffee machine and everyone sees it, you need to get out the transfer papers. Change departments or quit altogether because there’s no living that down.

And the number 1 prank this year:

1) Saran wrapping cars

Far and away the most tweets I saw today were people plastic wrapping each other’s cars. If I get out of work after a long awful miserable April Fools Day and I think I’m Scot Free and heading home and realize I gotta unwrap my fucking car its straight up hit and run after that. I’m waiting for people to come out of the building and I’m mowing them down with my vehicle. Retaliating with the Craigslist posting is cute but I’m going for the vehicular homicide revenge.

Happy April Fools Day, you goddam assholes. These things were only funny on TV when Jim did them to Dwight. Everyone else is a dickhead.