Boston.Com Love Letters - My Boyfriend Thinks I Can't Have Platonic Guy Friends
The Question
Hi Meredith,
My problem boils down to one major issue: guy friends. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and living together for about one year. We are both in our mid-20s, have our dream jobs, and share rent on our first apartment near Fenway.
The problem? Most of the friends I am making are guys. I went through some pretty rough bullying in high school by a group of girls (leading to depression, isolation, self-hatred, the whole nine yards), so I still have nerves whenever I am put in a situation where I am surrounded by women. I have been working on making a few female friends in the city, but it is a slow (but steady) process. In the meantime, I’ve met a few pretty awesome guys. They are all a tad older than me and we have that “kid sister” friendship going on. They all know about my boyfriend and how much I adore him. I’ve always made it a point to set clear, distinct boundaries with them. There is no flirting going on, no late night “spilling feelings” to one another, no inappropriate touching, secrets, or anything like that. Whenever I hang out with them I always invite my boyfriend along but he usually declines.
My boyfriend has only met them once, even though they have been in my life for months. I make it a point to keep in touch with him, let him know where I am, when I will be back, etc., whenever I go out with them (which is usually maybe once a week, if that). I’ve been completely transparent with my boyfriend and with my guy friends, so I was pretty upset when my boyfriend expressed his anger at me for having male friends. He became hostile, aggressive, and mopey. He made veiled, passive-aggressive threats like “I don’t want my future wife to have guy friends,” and “It’s inappropriate for guys and girls to be friends.” I’ve sat down with him to ask what I can do to make him more comfortable. I suggested he begin to hang out with them more to which he replied, “I don’t want to be near them.” He doesn’t have any female friends, so I suggested he should try to make a few. He told me that the only thing I could do was to cut the guy friends out of my life (currently 5/6 of friends in Boston). He thinks that guys and girls can’t be friends and that the only reason they are friends with me is so they can “get in my pants.” He thinks that if we ever break up, they will immediately try to sleep with me (they won’t).
What do I do? Can guys and girls really be just friends? Am I delusional? How can I get my boyfriend to be comfortable with me having guy friends? And why does the phrase “guy friends” sound so childish?
— A Guy’s Type of Girl
Meredith Hoss Goldstein’s Answer
Men and women can be friends. It drives me crazy when I hear anyone suggest otherwise. It’s a heteronormative, sexist, weird way to look at the world — as if straight men can’t enjoy a relationship with a woman without planning all possible ways to have sex with her the second she’s available. That’s not how it goes. That’s not what friends do.
If your boyfriend wants to limit your social life and set rules when it comes to your friendships, he might not be the right partner for you. It’s possible that he’s just acting out because he’s lonely and jealous in a new city, but if he’s serious about this “no friends with men” thing for life, you have to consider whether you will ever be able to compromise.
Talk to him about what you get out of these friendships. Let him know that if he’s committed to this rule, you might not be able to stick around.
— Meredith
El Pres Answer
If I had a nickel for everytime I’ve discussed this issue, I’d be rich. (Or at least richer than I am now) There is literally no issue I feel stronger about than this one. Girls CAN’T be friends with guys. It’s impossible. Literally impossible. It’s not sexist or heteronormative whatever that means. It’s social Darwinism. It’s evolution. It’s life. Guys want to fuck chicks period. Yeah guys can be fake friends with girls. We can pretend that it’s platonic, but no guy in the world except gayballs want to hang out with girls unless they want to fuck em. There is no chick in the world where if hooking up was off the table you’d prefer to spend time with than dudes. It always boils down to the same question. If the girl was ugly would you be friends with them? Of course not.
So I don’t have advice for the girl. This girl is an idiot and lying to herself. I have advice for the boyfriend. Just start cheating on your girlfriend because it’s just a matter of time till she cheats on you. And even if she doesn’t you’re going to think she does so you might as well do it anyway. You can’t date a girl who has tons of guy friends. It’s mental torture. It’s not about you not trusting them. It’s about being a guy and understanding how guys think. Who wants to deal with having a girlfriend who goes out and gets mentally gang banged once a week with her buddies? No thanks.