What The Hell Is Captain America Doing Dating Jean Ralphio's Sister?

I don’t want to come out of the gates hot and say that Mona Lisa Saperstein is some gross and horrible person that doesn’t deserve air, because she’s not and she most certainly deserves oxygen. But let’s just call a spade a spade here, she ain’t in Chris Evans’ league. And that’s OK to say, I’m not in a Dunkin Donuts’ cashier’s league and I’ve come to terms with that.

We’re talking about Captain America and Jean Ralphio’s even more horrible sister (they were so perfectly horrible, though. I will give them that. If you watched Parks and Rec without laughing out loud at the Saperstein siblings then I flatout don’t trust you) don’t fit. I forbid it, in fact. Much like Indian parents when a suitor doesn’t show up with a dowry or a Jewish mother when one shows up with a covered wagon, I forbid this. You want to date Chris Evans? You need to get my approval and I’m sorry, Mona Lisa, you just cannot have it. Funny only takes someone so far and it ain’t to another galaxy, where men who look like this reside

That’s a guy who makes a Ken doll self-conscious about his jawline and BMI, not a guy who dates Marcel the Shell and voice actresses.