Boston.Com Love Letters - He Didn't Tell Me He Was Back With His Ex
The Question
I have a question (maybe a few) about a guy I’ve been seeing on/off for the last year. Lets’s call him A.D. I’ve been friends with A.D. for about two years, and more than a year ago he asked me out on a date. Over two months, we went out on several dates. Then he decided to come clean and told me that he had gotten back together with his ex shortly after he asked me out. This blew up into a whole big mess because he was going back and forth between his ex and me. This carried on until early this year, with us having multiple discussions about the potential relationship or lack thereof.
After our last conversation three months ago, I decided it was pretty much the last straw for me, and I am starting to let go of the feelings I had for him. He told me that after his relationship had ended with his ex, he wasn’t ready to commit to a relationship or date anyone. The confusing part is that while he has said this, his actions don’t match his words. Not even a month after he made that statement, he turned around and claimed that he was ready to step into the dating pool again. He keeps trying to show me that he can be a great boyfriend, but what’s to say he won’t do the same thing to me that he he did to his ex? I feel more comfortable just being a friend and nothing more. How can I make that clear without necessarily hurting his feelings? That I’m no longer interested in possibly dating him? Can the trust be repaired after being lied to so many times?
– Confused and Cautious
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Meredith Hoss Goldstein’s Answer
“How can I make that clear without necessarily hurting his feelings?”
Please don’t worry about his feelings. He wasn’t worried about yours when he put you through the confusion of the past year. Your best bet is to be honest, even if it makes him feel bad. You can say, “Hey, A.D., I’m not going to date you because there is no trust in this relationship. Please respect my wishes and cut it out with the promises.”
I don’t know whether the trust can be repaired, but I have to wonder how much effort (if any) you should be puting into this so-called friendship. Sure, you knew each other for a year before you started dating, but that part of your relationship ended when you got together and he started telling lies. Why would you want to be friends with someone who was such a bad friend during the romantic relationship? How can you pursue a friendship with someone who’s made it clear he wants more?
For now, I’d recommend space, not friendship. Give yourself time away from this guy to get some perspective.
– Meredith
Wait a minute. This girl is afraid to tell this guy he wants to remain friends because she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings? This is after he already cheated on her in their previous relationship? Now she’s worried about hurting his feelings? She’s writing letters to Hoss Goldstein asking how to tell somebody who cheated on you that you just want to remain friends without hurting his feelings? WHAT PLANET AM I ON!
Listen honey cut the shit. You obviously like this dude. You obviously want to fuck him. You probably already know you are going to fuck him. This little song and dance is just to convince yourself you’re not a whore. That you’re not that easy. Cleary you like this guy. You’re gonna date him. He’s gonna fuck you. He’s gonna cheat on you again. And then you’ll probably write another letter on whether you should give him another shot. I know it. You know it. Everybody knows it. So stop beating yourself up, pretending you don’t like him and just admit you like the way he fucks you.