Barstool Ombudsman Column: Is Pres' ISIS Olympics Invitation Actually The Best Trojan Horse Of All Time?
Welcome back to your weekly ombudsman column where I address the weekly goings on at Barstool Sports, and anything else you think to jam into an email while you’re crapping on a Friday at work. As always, email any questions, comments, concerns, etc to BarstoolOmbudsman@gmail.com
Got alot of feedback this week about Dave’s humble suggestion that the Olympics allow ISIS to compete just so they can get their ass kicked and I thought I should address it in this safe space for safe spaces we have right here.
The take ruffled a few feathers out there and for good reason- ISIS has no internal drug testing polcies in place for one. Also- and this is why we can’t have nice things- its quite possible that Dave was suggesting this as a PsyOp designed to lure ISIS. A fake Olympics designed to lure ISIS’s fastest, strongest athletes and most talented archers, riflemen, and tacklers into one specific location in preperation for either a drone strike or massive military operation would be the greatest trojan horse in the history of mankind besides the literal trojan horse. But we can’t do that anymore on account of everyone flipped out about Dave’s suggestion and wouldnt even let the idea get off the ground. So in all your do-gooder haste to try and show how much you support our troops you’ve actually gone and given aid & comfort to the enemy by sqaulshing the greatest military victory in the history of planet earth (except for the yearly sting operation the Japanese fishermen put on dolphins) before it even began. Hope your happy.
On to the questions-
Supreme Ombudsman,
Not to brag, but I read. Seems to me you are a Confederacy of Dunces guy, heavily influenced by the thinking of one Ignatius J. Reilly. Any truth to this supposition? If it is true, I assume you have to own up to it in order to maintain your integrity as history’s only truly honest Ombudsmen.
- A nerd
The answer is no, big chief. I’m not a book guy but if I wanted to learn about a confederacy of dunces I would of cracked open a history book to the part where they chose grey as their home uniforms. You can’t tell me that if the south had worn pinstripes they would of had yanks defecting left and right. Plus choosing grey when your opponent is wearing dull blue is the dumbest move of all time unless your trying to prove that you country is literally colorblind, and therefore can’t be racist, in which case the history books have been very unfair to your cause.
The only book I care about is the playbook. If its got a spine I want it spending more time in the lockeroom and less time in the library. I want to ask you a serious question- besides “Goodell vs. Obama: The Battle For The Future Of The NFL” which is on sale on amazon for the staggeringly low price of $4.99, when was the last time that a book ever did something good? The Bible? Even most of that was plagerized from the dead sea scrolls.
Dear Ombudtsman,
Mt Rushmores of worst times to have to shit
-Nick
Since August is almost over I want to squeeze in as many Mt Rushmores as possible I’m gonna run with this:
- Right after you just got done taking a shit
- If your wearing handcuffs for whatever reason
- During a movie at a theater
- In a traffic jam
PFT,
Hope you’re doing well… No real vested interest in your well-being but I was told that’s a formality when email writing. I’m from Pittsburgh.
Thank you for your service.
My question is would you rather sustain your current role at Barstool for the next 4 years… Zero promotions, raises, etc. Or eat Skyline chili twice every day up until the next Super Bowl? Promotions/career advancement in play of course if you choose the latter.
-CW
We like to have alot of fun kidding around about how bad Skyline is but it is actually literally as bad as I say it is even when I’m clearly exaggerating. Theres a lower mortality rate assocated with drinking Brazillan rowing water through a hollowed out rats tail twice a day for 5 months than there is with eating Skyline’s liquified deer shit as your only form of nutrition. If I spent 3 hours a day eating skyline I would end up spending the remianing 21 hours each day wandering around looking for gorilla enclosures to fall into.
Now on the other side of the coin spending 4 years without advancing at all would be technically infringing on a copyright claim held by the Cincinatti Bengals playoff experience. But on the positive side, if I were to just stay in the same position at Barstool for the next 4 years it would be like getting held back in high school. I’d be the cool freshman that could drive, by cigarettes and porn for everyone and being the bad boy blogger at the baddest boy blog would be enormous street cred.
With all that has been going on with Hilary’s emails and cheating to keep Bernie off the ballot, how has she not been suspended at least four games?
Roger Goodell’s deafening silence on the Hillary Clinton emails topic will be the biggest failure of his tenure besides the Ray Rice fiasco, deflategate, the military paid patriotism, and the brazen negligence he has shown by refusing to acknowledge CTE as a health crisis for players who lack the commitment and work-ethic required to learn heads-up tackling.
Also- and people do forget this- Goodell has yet to offically suspend Aaron Hernandez depsite the fact that he has been convicted of murder. Goodell gets a ton of crap but one way he could try to remedy it would be to announce suspensions for people that commit crimes outside of the NFLs jurisdiction like giving Oscar Pistourus a 4 game ban, or host a military apprecation night/open scouting combine for ISIS members and then having NFL securty light that place up like the 4th of July.