Did I Narrowly Escape Death By Craigslister Last Night?

I moved to New York last week and it’s hot as balls. I didn’t bring an AC unit with me because I’m dumb and forgot, so I scoured Craigslist last night and found what looked like a good deal. Talked the guy down to $50 for a 6,000 BTU brand new unit with a remote control. I was pumped. All I had to do was drive about 15 minutes to pick it up. No problem.

Hopped in my car, drove down, parked in front of his place. But once I got there the guy wanted me to come up into his apartment to get it. On the 5th floor. Now look, I’m not a fucking moron or a horror movie victim or a sucker, so I objected. Like you really think Jack Bauer or Dwight Schrute would waltz unarmed into some stranger’s apartment? No chance. Went back and forth with the guy over me coming up and getting it or him bringing it down. Threw out a tweet to make sure I wasn’t being crazy.

The people were with me.

At this point I was torn because sleeping when it’s hot is basically death. Like could what’s waiting for me on the 5th floor really be that much worse? So I started to cave a little and buzzed myself in.

I walked up the first flight of stairs (yes there was an elevator but lol at trapping myself in an elevator. ever seen The Departed? nowhere to run). The vibe was all wrong. Dark, quiet. At that very moment I made what truly may have been a life-saving decision. I turned around and left. Straight up bounced. Tim the AC Craigslister was not happy.

So this begs the question: did I narrowly escape death last night? Was that a life or death moment? Should I ask Chaps if September 5th is my alive day? I guess we’ll never know. New York is a wild place and I’m just happy to have escaped with my life. I could be all folded up in a freezer on the 5th floor but instead I’m here blogging for you fine people. I figure life’s a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to head downtown and dig through some trash.

PS — How about “everyone else” that went straight up to this guy’s apartment no questions asked? What do we give these people, 2 months before they’re human skin suits? Maybe 3? (if not already)