PSA To Chicks: Stop Running The Sink While You're In The Bathroom

Ladies…. gather ’round. Grab a knee, in fact. Let’s have a little chat.

Who do you think you’re fooling when you escape to the bathroom and just run the sink for five minutes? Men are stupid, we’re not that fucking stupid. Last night we head a little get together at Barstool HQ (you may have heard about it, Kevin died) and not to brag, but there was a girl there. A whole one. She stopped by to watch some baseball, which she said she was giving 30% of her attention to while the rest of it went to blankly staring into the abyss and looking at the design on her rosé cider bottle.

Anyway, at one point she got up and went to the bathroom. Yeah, shocking, I know. When girls are drinking for four hours they have to piss too. Who fucking knew? They’ve been hiding it so well for a decade…

NOT.

(yeah, you got hit with a NOT joke, deal with it)

You might have tricked us that first time in college. A couple of doe-eyed kids in a crowded room may have believed you were doing some girl thing in there that required a shitload of water, but we’ve smartened up. We’re onto your games and it’s just odd. If you get up in the middle of an intense baseball game and come back two minutes later, we’re not going to think anything of it. In fact, and I hate to break this to you, we’re probably not even going to notice you were gone. We’re sure as shit not gonna hear your piss hit porcelain. But, if you run the faucet, it’s going to get our attention. We’re going to think, what is that new, persistent noise emanating throughout the room? It sounds like a faucet. Is someone filling water balloons? Yes, we’re going to think water balloons because that’s the ONLY reason to run a sink for that long. Trust me.

You’re not in there staging a mass water balloon attack, you don’t have the numbers for that, you’re not in there powdering your nose, because it’s not colonial times, and you’re not in there doing drugs, because girls don’t buy drugs. You’re in there pissing. Just piss. Stop with the subterfuges. Without the constant running water you’d come back to your seat and we’d say, “Oh… where’d you go?” because we seriously didn’t notice you were gone.